Chinese mens' views of love, friendship, etc. in marriage, etc.
Oct 26, 2007 14:20
GUEST65158

I would like to get some feedback on Chinese mens' view of Love, relationship role in marriage. I understand this might sound like I'm generalizing... I am just trying to gain a general feel for the consensus on these topics these days from Chinese women and men and anyone who has had experience with Chinese in these areas. Thanks! (oh, it is for my own knowledge--I'm married to a Chinese man who's in China but I'll get into that later)! I'm trying to gage my expectations realistically against what I feel is right :)

I am really looking for Chinese mens' views from China -- (rather than Americanized views)...

Do men in China feel it's desirable to be friends (like a best friend) with the wife?

Or do they feel this should be rather separate?

Do Chinese men tend to like to be enmeshed in a marriage relationship? (i.e. share the events of the day with the wife or share problems with each other or share money, dreams, goals, etc.)?

How about asking for help? Do Chinese husbands enjoy asking their wives for help or do they avoid this like the plague?

Can you elaborate?

How Do Chinese men typically feel in marriage about keeping their marriage instilled with romanticism, love, passion, private time together, sex, and fun ?

Do Chinese men typically feel that marriage is not the place for "love and romanticism" but just an institution of convenience or for survival (have children and to acquire property, have a foundation, etc.)?

Might Chinese men prefer to find love and romance outside of a marriage?

Just really curious about these things and again...I understand this is generalization and that generalization is dangerous...but I want to get a general feeling or consensus...because there are "cultural norms" in every society. I want to hear what Chinese men and women are saying about this nowadays...
Oct 27, 2007 06:21
#1  
  • TUNGSHUN...
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Hi lady:
I'm a chinese man at my age of 23 ! i think i have the right to post my views of the chinese men!
Answer 1:most of the chinese men treat their wives as their family member , she should keep the family and bore kids, and share family's responsibilites. And only the lovebroken(or the coulpes work in different city) couples are seprate.
Answer 2:chinese men will share everything with his wife, money, love , goals, etc. but men usually keep a small amount of money as his own to treat friends ,help relatives.
Answer 3: before make a very important decision, chinese men usually ask for wife's suggestions , and wife's suggestions are very important and influsive,
Answer 4: In china, men have to work hard to keep the family , so they don't have much attention and time to create romanticism or funs.
Answer 5: only tiny part of chinese men use marriage as a way of making money , acquiring property or foundation.
Answer 6 : I can not promise you that your husband will not find love and romance outside of marriage
Oct 29, 2007 10:45
#2  
  • GRIZ326
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I was really hoping more women would comment on this. Perhaps the girls are afraid to let the guys see their proprietary feminine strategic intelligence. ;-)
Oct 29, 2007 12:29
#3  
GUEST65158 Yes, I was hoping to get answers from men and women...women who have known and been intimate with Chinese men and Chinese men who would like to speak for themselves.

:)
Oct 29, 2007 20:30
#4  
  • LEOPOLD219
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My answers:

No.1
The husband and the wife could be best friends. But to my understanding, their relationship is more than friends. Perhaps, soulmate is the best word. What does 'separate' mean here? I guess that 'independent' is more suitable. In traditional families, women are dependent.However, they have become more indepedent than before.

No.2
He is not enmeshed in the marriage. Personally, I think that the husband will be happy to share whatever you have mentioned since they are a couple.

No.3
At least for me, I am happy to ask help from my wife. Just as TUNGSHUNGHWA said, before making important decision, they usually ask his wife's opinion.

No.4
What TUNGSHUNGHWA said is true. But I think that romanticism, love and passion etc are very important to manage a happy marriage.

No.5
For me, if I do not love my wife, I would not get married with her. Some men just take advantage of marriage to gain property or high social positions.

No.6
Why do they find love outside of marriage? I guess that he does not have a happy marriage and the relationship between him and her is not good so he is fed up with it.

Apr 14, 2008 21:01
#5  
GUEST17203 I agree with Leopold 219 and Tungshunghwa about tha Chinese man. I am engaged to one and that is the way he is. We are like friends , lovers , etc. We try to make decisions together. I love that.This means he acknowledges me as a partner. My family just loves him ,because he is so caring. We are to marry this fall in the US and then have a ceremony in China for his family.
Jul 1, 2008 22:55
#6  
GUEST30234 Generally speaking, most chinese are not able to respect other's privacy and rights BECAUSE THERE IS NO EFFECTIVE LAW TO FORCE THEM TO OBEY THE RULES, not able to act as they said.

If you don't believe this, you can check what they do in their real life.

Of course, generally speaking.
Oct 20, 2008 08:40
#7  
GUEST21724 It depends on what part of China they are from as well and whether they are traditional or not and even their social status. You can have a Chinese husband that is the best husband possible or he can be the scum of the earth just like anywhere else. I knew a man from Shanghai and his circle of friends were always out messing around with women other than their wives. They were somewhat wealthy and all believed it was their right as men to do this. I actually knew many men like this. but on the same hand I knew many men who were terrific husbands as well. Another friend of mine (a woman) had parents who were trying to set her up with a man they thought was suitable. He was very rich but completely clueless about her. He felt that all he needed to do was buy her stuff and she would be happy and he just could not understand why she didn't want to go out with him. Her parents couldn't understand either. I've even seen men beat their wives on the street in front of everyone and no one will do anything. When I ask my friends later why that is they all say it's because he is the husband and she must've done something wrong. These aren't things that I've read in magazines, they're things that I have seen with my own eyes.

Based upon what I have seen from my time living there I would have to say that GUEST30234 is the closest to the stereotypical one may act.
Oct 22, 2008 15:10
#8  
  • GRIZ326
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I will throw in an observation about my wife's elder brother and his wife.

In the times that I have been with them, they are outwardly very reserved in their behavior; almost like business partners. To an American's eyes they were not cold toward each other, but it would be hard to imagine them "rollin' like thunder under the covers" (to quote the lyrics of an old rock 'n roll song).

I would certainly like to see further discussion of this issue because it is useful for me in understanding the expectations my wife may have.
Oct 23, 2008 03:03
#9  
  • GAFFER
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This topic came up on my last visit to China in discussion with a group of (female) Chinese friends. Generally it seems that Chinese men do not show affection to their wives in the same way a western man might. The reasons suggested were tradition, shyness and "macho" (to show weakness). The ladies accepted this but did admit that they would like more romance and affection in their relationship. Western influence seems to be creeping in here. This lack of showing affection certainly didn't mean that the men didn't love their partners, they simply don't consider it necessary. Although none of the ladies admitted to being beaten by their men, they all knew someone who did get beaten.
Oct 23, 2008 16:29
#10  
GUEST61113 interesting points...

My husband is Chinese (from China-- as I might have stated above) and I'm non-chinese and American.

You know, my husband doesn't show affection always and sometimes I get hurt or upset with him because I feel he's a bit cold. He doesn't like it when I say that-- sometimes I cry and get mad at him because he acts cold. Sometimes i think it's just a veil he wears to cover up his pain or hurt and so he wants to seem strong and invincible.

He does try-- so I think it is just in his culture and so engrained in him to be that way.

He only knows what his parents and society taught him and what he's seen in movies/etc. as examples.

So, he has tried by holding my hand, etc. i don't ask him to go too far there-- so I don't ask him to kiss me in pubic except if he's picking me up at the airport in China and I haven't seen him in a long time and he tell him ahead of time: you'd better give me a BIG HUG and KISS!! and we just give a normal kiss-- not anything too sensual. I'm a little shy in public, too haha so it's okay.

But, I do believe when he understands that I need more affection...he tries. He definitely has his way of expressing love and I have mine-- definitely cultural differences there.

He expresses love by cooking really good food, massaging my back or feet, or doing things for me like coming home at break or lunch to surprise me-- or joking with me or flirting with me (or doing things he doesn't like to do but does them because i insist).

I express love in some of those ways too, but the difference is -- as b/w many westerners and chinese is that I am more verbal I think-- more demonstrative with body gestures, touching and words. He's less in that department.

But...he's definitely shown me emotion-- he cries sometimes and shows his feelings. But, he says that he says he's not crying for Me...but for himself (hmmmm) when we get in a fight or something. bad? narcissism at its best? Maybe.

He's really sensitive about feeling he's not being trusted...OMG! If he feels I'm not trusting him he goes OFF!

We haven't lived together in the states yet though...he's coming here soon so it'll be interesting to find out what he's like and how I am in the relationship where it's "real" and not fantasy-- day to day grind.

Hope that sums it up (for now) :)
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