| cultural misunderstanding - please help | |
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| Dec 11, 2006 12:31 |   |
 | Hi everyone, I have a HUGE problem. I argued with my chinese flatmate (we are living in Britian) in a pub, and I attacked her verbally in public. I apologized, but it is a big deal for her. She is not only annoyed by my behaviour, but now also feels threatened by me (which is completely ridiculous, but she still thinks it). I don't know what to do - we used to get along very well... We were really friends - and now, from one day to the other, everything has changed. She has cancelled our friendship and avoids me completely. When she sees me, she looks terrified and aggressive. I know it is my fault to a large degree, but I also think there's a cultural misunderstanding involved. Why does she take this thing so seriously? Do you think there's a way to make it good again? Please help me if u can. Thank you very much! P.S: If this is not the right place to ask this kind of question - do you know where I can ask it instead? Thx! |
| Dec 11, 2006 12:43 | #1 |
| I forgot something that might be important: She is from Shanghai and appreciates the "western" way of living - that's why I am even more puzzeled by her behaviour. I also forgot to mention that I am a man. Maybe she is terrified because I (as a man) shouted at her (as a woman) ??!? I know it's not her fault - it is my fault, I shouldn't have done that - but I really want to make it good again... She really meant much to me as a friend... Thanks a lot!!! |
| Dec 11, 2006 19:20 | #2 |
| Hi,man, I think you guys need to communicate with each other!Try to do that!!! I have no special good idea,but just change your positions,think about more of others!That would be better! Good luck! |
| Dec 11, 2006 22:20 | #3 |
| Don't know what happened to you. Just shout at her? If I were her, I wouldn't acted like this if there is only a quarrel. Maybe you can tell us more details? |
| Dec 11, 2006 23:26 | #4 |
| Doesn't your country have ads on TV saying that "I just attacked her verbally in public ..." is a form of abuse? Grow up and own up to your own doings. Just because you regret it later it doesn't mean she has to forgive you. In fact, there are too many people like you who think you can just abuse someone and apologise later and it is all ok. Hope you learn something from this. |
| Dec 12, 2006 06:07 | #5 |
| Yes there are some cultural differences and by far most important one is that between men and women, that is far more significant than between nationalities. I recommend flowers and chocolates. If they don't work you are in deep #@#@! |
| Dec 12, 2006 10:42 | #6 |
| well, i can understand ur friend. She thought you were important but u hurt her deeply as you said you "attaked" her verbally in "public". Firstly, it's really a shame for good Chinese girls being attacked verbally, because we never like ppl saying bad things about us, also, we wont attack back but still be polite. Secondly, you hurt her in "public" which she really really care, because she thought others may feel she is a bad girl because of your words, though maybe others do not care at all. Now what u can do is talk to her and apologise. Then give her some gifts to make her happy. That's the only way i know, but maybe it doesn't work,if u hurt her deeply. Your friend seems a really nice Chinese girl. Good luck! |
| Dec 13, 2006 11:45 | #7 |
| Thanks to everyone for your remarks and hints! I am really afraid I won't be able to repair what I destroyed. I apologized several times but she seems really hurt and doesn't talk to me anymore... I don't know what to do... It is a really miserable situation. It seems I have destroyed a friendship that was important to me :-( |
| Dec 13, 2006 19:25 | #8 |
| Shanghai girls are usually more sensitive and delicate than those in other parts of China. Do you know what she likes or really wants? If you do, you can give her things she likes best or invite her to do what she dreams. She may be moved by your care about her. Good luck...... |
| Dec 13, 2006 20:32 | #9 |
| No woman whatever her nationality do not like to be abused verbally or otherwise. What is worst it is in public. You deserved what you got. It is over, move on. This time it may be verbal maybe next time it may be physical. Re-examine yourself, if you cannot be a genlteman and controll yourself in the heat of the moment get some help. |
| Dec 14, 2006 06:14 | #10 |
| This is just my opinion but the saying "to err is human, to forgive divine" does not apply to some folks who were brought up in the "Chinese way". That's why u see a lot of kung fu movies where the hero avenges the death of his father/mother/ sifu etc and taking revenge is a noble deed. I am Chinese but English-educated and I have lost a few Taiwanese & mainland Chinese friends on account of some trivial things I said which may have caused them to lose face. There is usually no means of salvaging the relationship. If they choose to forgive u, it means they lack "gu chi" (no backbone and no pride in themselves). Just move on and think twice about what u say next time. |
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