Money and Relationships
Oct 25, 2007 20:29
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Hi All,

I have been wrestling with a problem for some time and I was hoping that someone can help me understand my girl a little better. We are now in the gathering documents and filling out forms stage of a fiancee visa to bring her and her son to America. I have nearly everything I need now to begin the process. I just came home from my third visit to her.

For the most part, we get along very well. Our biggest problem is disagreements over money. I am not rich, but I am not poor either. I have a good paying job, some savings in the bank, and some investments that are growing slowly.

My girl had, at one time been a fairly successful businesswoman in China, but her business has faltered. Now, she has big dreams of studying international business in America, eventually opening an international import-export business in America and China, and becoming rich. Meanwhile, she has also been playing the stock market in China. I have agreed to help pay for hers and her son's education when they come here. And, although I don't really care about getting rich, I have said that I would be willing to try to help us do so if that is what she wants.

She says she loves me and wants to come to America, but she is also worried that I will always say no to her on issues of money and will tire of her after she comes here and will throw her out. Hence, she has been trying very hard to find a way to become financially solvent before she comes here. She is going to school shortly to study yoga instruction. When she completes her course, she will have a certificate that allows her to teach in both China and America.

I have given her a little money two times already, once to prop up her business, the other to study yoga. And I have not been tight with money during my visits. Now, she wants me to give her more to invest in the Chinese stock market. She insists that she can double our money in one year. For the most part, I believe she is sincere, but, even if she is, I am reluctant to risk more money because I feel we may need it to help to bring her and her son here and to live on, educate, etc. I am not sure that we will be able to spend the money we make in China here in America (i.e. the Chinese government will allow the money to be taken out). Also, nothing is foolproof. I worry that the market could go sour. She insists that there is no risk, that she can make money this way. She says I love money more than her. I now worry that maybe she loves money more than me.

So now, I am trying to put all of this in perspective. I can understand how she might be afraid to leave China and come to a strange land and become totally dependent on me for a while, but she sounds as though she wants to instantly step into wealth without having to work for it. I love this woman, but I am not a big big risk taker, and I sometimes feel that I am becoming a big disappointment to her.

Help me understand this. Is this simply Chinese pragmatism - wanting to make a sound choice for marriage based on both love + financial stability - or is there something ugly happening here?

Thanks everyone.
Oct 25, 2007 21:34
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I think she only wants your money and VISA to america ,
Oct 26, 2007 01:07
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Shes got skill. But not the ones that pay the bills.
Oct 26, 2007 10:24
  • GRIZ326
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There is a fine line between demonstrating your ability to support a woman by giving her money and being suckered by her. Only you can decided on which side of the line you stand.
Oct 26, 2007 20:37
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I think this has very little to do with Chinese pragmatism but more a character trait.
I can only compare this with my own situation..
My Wife was well aware that I had just started a new business before we had met, so insisted in paying and arranging for all travel on my trips to see her. Including the cost of the Wedding feast and the cost of marriage documentation etc.
As she already has relatives in my country she could also have applied for a Family reunion visa without having to marry me.
She also owns and runs a successful Yoga studio in Beijing.
It does sound to me that you may have a problem which will need to be addressed by both of you before you can both move forward.
I hope it works out for you.
Oct 28, 2007 01:51
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Seems a bit of a problem and she hasnt even got to the States yet. My Chinese lady has no money and has never asked me for any ever, she has mentions that some people have concerns about me giving her money in the future but she has job and pays her ways.
My opinion, and I dont wish to offend, is that it sounds like she wants cash to study and a visa, nothing much else.
Ultimately what you do is up to you. I hope it all goes well for you.
Oct 29, 2007 06:07
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Hi all,

Thank you all for your input. I have also received some very insightful replies on other sites. I'm not ready to give up on my girl yet. We obviously have some serious issues to work out, and I am still a bit cautious, but I am also more hopeful because of the things I have read, and because of the discussions I have had with my sweetie over the last few days. So, wish us luck. Thanks again.
Oct 29, 2007 09:26
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Please be careful... I think she's being pretty demanding... It sounds like she's a worrier, maybe a bit like me. I have a tendency to cross the bridge before getting there. She needs to trust you more, see if you can convince her that your relationship will only last if she can trust you completely. Good luck.
Oct 30, 2007 05:21
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Yes, I think you are right. In fact, I think we both need to trust each other more. Just because we disagree sometimes about what is the prudent course of action does not mean that one or the other of us is not sincere. This is what I have learned by reading all of the wonderful responses to me both here and on other sites. I thank everyone for taking the time to write to me. Your input has been invaluable.
Oct 31, 2007 11:41
I have a tendency to cross the bridge before getting there.
Careful Chynagyrl, you might be crossing the river from another tread, he he
Nov 1, 2007 02:22
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It is very difficult to tell if you are being used. Probably not, at least not deliberately.

In terms of money for investing, whether it is the stock market or busness investment, ask her to write a business plan. Most Chinese refuse to do this and so I have refused joining any business activities so far. The lack of one is probably why her last business failed. There is no reason for a business to fail in China in the current sitauation, except bad business management.

The advice I was given by a business teacher many years back was that you should write up a formal agreement regardless of how close you are.
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