| Trial divorce can save your marriage? | |
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| Dec 26, 2007 01:57 |   |
 | A survey reveals that the divorce rate in China is increasing. Moreover, the number of female divorcee is much more than that of male divorcee. 'The more higher educational backgroud and occupation she has, the more possibility of divorcing is.'---that is the survey says. Some experts warn that divorce might cause mental health problems. Meanwhile, it is not good to social stability. To save one's marriage, trial divorce or separation might be a new way and worth trying. What does trial divorce mean? Some couples might be too impulsive when they decided to get married. After divorce, they feel regretful. To avoid this, experts suggest that both sides should separate for a certain period to calm down when they decide to divorce. During that period, they can think about their marriage carefully. Then they can make a right decision. Do you think trial divorce can save one's marriage? Any comments or opinions are welcome. |
| Dec 26, 2007 12:36 | #1 |
| In the US we call a trial divorce "a separation." I have never seen a separation work. Perhaps the biggest problem is that it is too easy to marry and too easy to divorce. The cure might be to make penalties for divorce for both husband and wife. |
| Dec 26, 2007 15:06 | #2 |
| Agree, Griz. In separation time people most likely don´t think about saving marriage, but making things better for themselves before they finally divorce. Maybe find a new spouse candidat? Although I have divorced twice, I think it is too easy. Here only fill a form and after 6 months You are divorced, practically no guestions asked. Marriages made some other reason but love are doomed sooner or later. Some marriages made with love are doomed too, but not as often. Carlos |
| Dec 26, 2007 18:59 | #3 |
| Oh, Jimmy boy. Another controversial topic. Are you working on a thesis or something? O_o The short answer is NO. It is not going to save the marriage if the root of the problem that caused the friction in the first place is not addressed. Maybe I am not getting the whole picture but… 1. How come the divorce rate is higher if the woman is educated or has a better job? 2. Does this mean that women shouldn’t be educated or shouldn’t be given a good job anymore so that the divorce rate would go down? |
| Dec 26, 2007 19:12 | #4 |
| And now for the long answer… The trial divorce or separation that you mentioned is already being practiced in other countries. Many times, the husband or the wife would leave home to cool things off. One woman I know left her husband who was having an affair. They separated for 8 months. She already filed for the divorce and then backtracked to give their marriage another chance. After they got back together, she realized that his extramarital affair never stopped so in the end she regretted that she even backtracked on the divorce proceedings. Many, many couples would try to talk to their local pastors or even pay a lot of money for marriage counseling, but these seldom work. In the case mentioned, the only way the marriage could have been saved was if the husband stopped his affairs or the wife put up with his affairs. Just because you see an intact marriage doesn’t mean that things are fine and dandy. One guy I know is very unhappy with his wife of 28 years because he said she is cheating on him, but he is trying his best not to divorce her. When asked why, he said, “Because she is going to get half of everything.” Everything here means a $1,200,000 in retirement savings, a nice house, a boat and two SUVs. In this case, the only thing that is keeping the marriage together is money and material things. Does that mean that they have a better marriage than those couples who eventually divorced? One couple I know has two preteen kids, married for 14 years. The husband is an alcoholic. The wife left with their children to live temporarily in her parent’s house. After a few weeks, they would get back together thinking that things would work out. I already lost count how many times they did this routine. The wife said things are not getting better and worse, the kids are seeing what is happening. Even the 11-year old son asked his father to stop drinking. The father answered, “That’s not gonna happen, son. Your mom is boring; she just wants to stay home. I like to drink and party.” |
| Dec 26, 2007 19:13 | #5 |
| Continuation... I don’t know how it is done in China but in some countries, the divorce hearing will not start until after 90 days from the date the divorce was filed. In America, it is different from state to state. This is so that couples can have enough time to think things over. Some even require a counseling as a prerequisite before a divorce is granted just so that the court is sure that this is really what the couple wanted. And as far as I understand, even if the divorce hearing has already started, the couples could still stop the divorce up to the very last day before it becomes final. As you can see in the above examples, the education or job of the wife or the husband doesn’t have anything to do with it. But of course, there are cases where lack of money played a big part. Divorce in America is expensive, financially and emotionally draining, even worse if you have to fight child custody and if you have a jerk for a lawyer, so couples would even avoid it if they can. Many would only go for it if they know that they are better off being divorced, like when they know that no amount of money can compensate for the misery that they are in or that being in such a situation is unhealthy for their own children. There’s this couple who was separated for 5 years because neither one of them wanted to shoulder the divorce expenses. Most people do not take divorce lightly. Usually, the problems are already there for years before they would even file for a divorce. Usually, it would take one final straw. |
| Dec 26, 2007 20:39 | #6 |
| Quote: Perhaps the biggest problem is that it is too easy to marry and too easy to divorce. The cure might be to make penalties for divorce for both husband and wife. Griz, it might work. But I guess that some people will be scared to get married. If they divorce, they would be punished. Horrible! Paul gave a good suggestion on how to decrease divorce rate----abolishing marriage. No divorce will happen. What do you think of this idea? Quote: Oh, Jimmy boy. Another controversial topic. Are you working on a thesis or something? O_o SHESGOTTOBE, I am not working on a thesis or something. But it seems that you are trying to work a thesis on this since you have answered this question with long and insightful posts. Quote: 1. How come the divorce rate is higher if the woman is educated or has a better job? 2. Does this mean that women shouldn’t be educated or shouldn’t be given a good job anymore so that the divorce rate would go down? No.1 The survey just disclosed that the divorce rate is higher if the woman is educated or has a better job and it didn't show the reasons. If a woman is well-educated and has a better job, his husband will feel uneasy. Why? In traditional concepts, man is the support of his family. If his wife take the role of the support of the family, her husband will become the laughingstock. To depend on a woman is a shame to men. On the other hand, those women who are well-educated or have better jobs usually have higher requirements on themselves and dream of achieving more successes. Thus, they seldom have time to take care of her husband and child. This might annoy her husband much and force him to divorce her. This is just my understanding. No.2 I don't know if it works, SHESGOTTOBE. It reminds me of a thread---"Is ignorance a virtue for women?" Perhaps you can get some inspiration from that thread. |
| Dec 26, 2007 21:26 | #7 |
| Trial divorce can save your marriage? He, he, Yeah, Like a break at the boxing fight, between round four and five. |
| Dec 27, 2007 18:53 | #8 |
| LOL! I am not writing a thesis either. I’m glad those thesis days are soooo over. O_o For whatever it’s worth, it’s just a contribution of what I learned when I volunteered in a crisis center. Thank you very much for all your responses, JimmyB. Things are stacking up really well. It is so good to learn about the male psyche and have some understanding of how women in a different culture make their decisions and direct their lives. It’s great to know how other cultures think. It’s like discovering a secret treasure. It is shining very beautifully as I am admiring it in my hand. ^_^ |
| Dec 27, 2007 20:30 | #9 |
| Well, I should say 'Thanks' to you, SHESGOTTOBE. With your help, I also have learned something about women psyche. BTW, what I wrote was just my thought and understandings. Perhaps, other Chinese men have different views. If you want to know much about it, you should keep your 'study' on. Cheers! |
| Dec 28, 2007 19:12 | #10 |
| Life is my school, JimmyB. Everyday is an opportunity to learn something new. ^_^ |
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