| Difference in handling family ties between Chinese and Westerners | |
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| Dec 3, 2007 00:39 |   |
 | Chinese culture highlights the importance of family ties. Having a home not means having a place to shelter you from wind and rain, but also symbolize you are a mature person. Chinese people cherish the sense of belonging and have kind of “Root Complex”. When a man becomes old, he had the strong desire to return his hometown. Recently, I have attended a lecture delivered by a Chinese teacher. The topic is the cultural difference in dealing with family relationships between the western countries and China. The author’s main points are as follow: most Chinese are aware that family ties such as the tie between married couples or between parents and children tend to looser in the West than they are in China. For example, couples in the US are far more likely to divorce than couples in China. The westerners are also much less likely to live with and personally care for elderly parents. When the Children are 18, they often moved out of their parents nests. The high divorce rate in the West testifies that the Westerners don’t consider family ties as important as Chinese people. The westerners tend to feel that most relationships are largely voluntary, in other words, that people can choose whether or not to stay in them. Such behavior indicates selfishness and a lack of concern for others. After hearing the lecture, I am quite confused. As I can see in this forum, many westerners do value the family ties a lot. However, I have to be in doubt, since I have never lived in the western countries and hence don’t have the chance to have a close contact with the local residents. On this issue, I am an outsider and I don’t have the right to make a final judgment. I want to hear some opinions from westerners. How do you view family ties? |
| Dec 3, 2007 14:42 | #1 |
| The lecture was not very far away from truth, I think. My father made his career in politics and after leaving politics he worked in leading position in building industry. Now that he is retired, he has noticed he has a family. We never had very warm relations, nowadays getting warmer, though. After my father "woke up", I have started thinking about the same. Until now, I was busy building my career, now it is not that important any more. Now I try to stabilisize my life and try to have time for my daughters, as well as my parents too. After divorcing twice I think I must thank, well, something, that my daughters are still fine. Free life, well all can image what kids become without rules, what makes adults better? Carlos |
| Dec 4, 2007 03:50 | #2 |
| "Chinese culture highlights the importance of family ties. Having a home not means having a place to shelter you from wind and rain, but also symbolize you are a mature person. " I am totally in favour of this idea. Family ties are important. Money can not buy the feeling between family members. Carlos, I feel happy that you become aware of the importance of family ties. You must be very content with your present life. Your adorable kid will benifit from the warm nest you put up for her. |
| Dec 4, 2007 10:50 | #3 |
| I am Asian. My family is the most important to me. Sure, we have misunderstandings sometimes but we are honest with each other. We tell each other's faults and what we don't like and in the end, we get even closer because of this honesty. I can have all the things the world can offer. I can travel the world over but my family will always be in my heart. The warm gatherings, the hugs my niece gives me, the concern they all have for me is what keeps me going and makes me strive to the the best I can be. My sister-in-laws are the only sisters I've known and they are like bestfriends to me. I will keep coming back to them because they mean the world to me. |
| Dec 4, 2007 17:06 | #4 |
| Devotion to family is one of the most admirable of Chinese characteristics. I am alarmed for China that divorce is becoming common and that young people want to leave their parent's home and get an apartment. |
| Dec 6, 2007 20:43 | #5 |
| Yes, family is very important. However, there is also a popular belief in China: men should put career first, then family. I have ever read an article " Women, career or family? " The author states that a conflict between family and career often occurs to women. Sometimes, men have to face the same conflict. If you want to have a successful career, you have to sacrifice some things emotionally. For women, family and career are an everlasting conflict. Quite a few women succeed in career but fails to have a happy family or marriage life. |
| Dec 8, 2007 12:03 | #6 |
| I am alarmed at how often this distortion of the truth is repeated in China. I don't deny the importance of family in China but I would suggest that it exists in the west too. My parents do not want to live with my sister who lives nearby, they want to retain their independence, that is far more important to them. My sister is always available should they want help and I would return to the UK if she were not there. I also phone regularly. Another example: the west is often criticised for having so many elderly in homes, but part of the reason is that we can afford to do so and can provide the elderly with a better standard of care. The second reason is that with the better medical facilities we have, more people live to a point where more intense professional care is needed. The way we go about caring for the elderly is different but the intention and commitment to the elderly is the same. I live thousands of kilometres from my parents: does that mean I don't care? No. They encouraged me move away when an opportunity arose. They said their job was to get me to the point where I could make my own life, they did not bring me into the world so that I could look after them in their old age. Yet I have often been told that many Chinese have children to look after them in their old age - isn't that selfish (to use a word that one person used earlier)? A young lady of 23 that I know is being forced by her family to marry a man she positively hates. Is that caring for family? I don't understand how it is, but I expect her parents think they are doing the right thing. Chinese parents make their children study for ridiculously long hours. My students are yawning and putting their heads on the desk they are so tired - and of course learn less than if they had been allowed to stop working earlier play some football or chat on the net. To many westerners this obsession with quantity over quality is child abuse, but I know that Chinese parents think it is the right thing for their children. In Australia, the kids tend to do their sports practice first and then fit in some homework after it. The culture is different, but both are caring. There are more divorces in the west it is true, and so there will be in China in the future. The reality is that divorce parallels wealth. So compare China today with a western country at the same stage of economic development. Then we will see that western countries had lower divorces then too. On the internet I have talked with women who wish they could divorce and are very unhappy. In some cases they may be being mistreated. In China divorce levels are low but many are unhappy in their marriage and then children often suffer too. Which is better, suffer or divorce? There is no clear answer but it is a simplistic argument to say that it shows the west is less caring about family than in China. |
| Dec 8, 2007 17:07 | #7 |
| Paul, a very well thought out reply that should add some balance and understanding to this forum. Dodger. |
| Dec 8, 2007 20:31 | #8 |
| Thanks Paul. the same bonds that tie can also suffocate. Sometimes Chinese parents think they're being so kind to their children, but actually they are being very selfish. by forcing their own dreams on their kids, pushing them too hard, putting them on guilt trips... i've experienced all of these... and my parents realize now that's not the right way to raise kids. |
| Dec 9, 2007 01:12 | #9 |
| I'm an Korean and my parents divorced when I was 20 years old. But now they have their new families and looks like really happy. I usually go their place and stay there for some days. I like both my mom's husband and my dad's wife. So I have two families. I don't think my mom and dad make light of family. So I think divorce is a different matter with considering family ties. If they have so many troubles just because they're with each other, divorce is a good way to solve the problem. And like Carlos and my parents' case, after a small failure, they will find a partner who fits themselves to do better in their new family. Quote : There are more divorces in the west it is true, and so there will be in China in the future. The reality is that divorce parallels wealth. So compare China today with a western country at the same stage of economic development. Then we will see that western countries had lower divorces then too. I fully agree with APAULT's idea. Korea has a high divorce rate, I think you all would know Korea is next to China and is a Asian country. So I agree that "divorce parallels wealth". It has not been long that divorce bacame so common in Korea, and Korea achived economic groth since 1990s. It is hard to say western countries have higher divorce rate. There are also Asian countries which have high divorce rates like Korea and Japan. |
| Dec 9, 2007 04:24 | #10 |
| Chynagirl: Unfortunately parents forcing their own dreams on their kids is worldwide, not just China. It is hard to draw a line between helping based on your knowledge and skills and pressuring a child into what they don't want to do. |
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