| How to Tell the Sex of a Fly | |
|---|---|
| Apr 14, 2011 22:49 |   |
 | A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." |
| Apr 15, 2011 05:45 | #1 |
| I'll pay that one. Dodger. |
| Apr 15, 2011 23:44 | #2 |
| An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.This happened every day...and often twice a day.' The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" |
| Apr 19, 2011 04:26 | #3 |
| GUEST8755 | Come on, Bob. I am waiting more. |
| Apr 22, 2011 02:51 | #4 |
| The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. ------------------------ --------------------------- The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." ------------------------------------ Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!" --------------------------------------- Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." ------------------------------------------------ Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!" |
| Apr 22, 2011 06:27 | #5 |
| Duties of Wives... Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from Greece . He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Italy . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman. |
| Apr 23, 2011 16:04 | #6 |
| Bloody Ozzies...they are everywhere! |
| Apr 24, 2011 04:04 | #7 |
| Can't help laughing after reading the above jokes but still think that the fly thing is the best. |
| Apr 27, 2011 09:21 | #8 |
| Dear "Who ever" Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a ***. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear J.K. Rowling, Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Sincerely, Anonymous Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada Dear Voldemort , So they screwed up your nose too? Sincerely, Michael Jackson Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985 Dear Justin Bieber , Ariel would really love her voice back. Sincerely, King Triton Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us. Sincerely, Jack Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle Dear Taylor Swift, If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end. Sincerely, Shakespeare Dear Soccer Fans, B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z! Sincerely, Vuvuzelas Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind Dear Santa, Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's. Sincerely, Tiger Woods Dear Sleeping Beauty, I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up. Sincerely, Mulan Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed Dear Toaster, Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Sincerely, Toast Dear Edward, I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart. Sincerely, a stake Dear Prince Charming, You've got some explaining to do! Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty |
| Apr 27, 2011 19:55 | #9 |
| Call centre conversations Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'. Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'. Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'. Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'. Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'. Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'. On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'. Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'. Customer: 'OK'. Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'. Customer: 'No'. Tech Support: 'OK.. Right-Click again Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No'. Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'. Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''. |
| Apr 27, 2011 19:57 | #10 |
| Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, c an you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?' Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'. Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'. Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'. RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?' Operator: 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?' |
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