Need chinese-american cross-cultural friendship advice!!!!

Need chinese-american cross-cultural friendship advice!!!!
Aug 3, 2011 11:14
guest73128	Hi!! I am American and have had a Taiwanese friend for many years. I'm a little confused because of an imbalance that appears to exist in our relationship. For example, I have slowly realized that I am the person who always calls her, she never calls me, except to return a call. In response to this silent feedback, I have (sadly) backed away from the friendship and often have not called her for many months at a time. However, she often responds to these infrequent calls with intense happiness and appreciation. One time this happened and she told me (crying) that she was having a difficult family problem and so much wanted to speak to me, but did not want to bother me. I've often told her that I love to hear from her and she can call me anytime, day or night, for any reason at all. Another (less concerning) example of imbalance in our relationship is that when we had lived closer to each other, we sometimes agreed to meet somewhere at a 'halfway' location, and she choose locations that were much more convenient and closer to her house... her trip was be so much easier than mine. I wouldn't have noticed but it was very consistent and apparent... thus confusing and disconcerting. I am wondering if all of this behavior- this imbalance- reflects a social norm in Chinese society.. a stronger notion of respect toward a person who is older?? My friend is 5 years older than me. This is the only explanation I can imagine!! I wish I could understand, particularly with regard to her never calling me.. I need to know if I should continue to call... I need to know who my friends are!! Opinions/experience appreciated :))))) Thanks

Aug 3, 2011 11:14

guest73128

Hi!! I am American and have had a Taiwanese friend for many years. I'm a little confused because of an imbalance that appears to exist in our relationship. For example, I have slowly realized that I am the person who always calls her, she never calls me, except to return a call. In response to this silent feedback, I have (sadly) backed away from the friendship and often have not called her for many months at a time. However, she often responds to these infrequent calls with intense happiness and appreciation. One time this happened and she told me (crying) that she was having a difficult family problem and so much wanted to speak to me, but did not want to bother me. I've often told her that I love to hear from her and she can call me anytime, day or night, for any reason at all.

Another (less concerning) example of imbalance in our relationship is that when we had lived closer to each other, we sometimes agreed to meet somewhere at a 'halfway' location, and she choose locations that were much more convenient and closer to her house... her trip was be so much easier than mine. I wouldn't have noticed but it was very consistent and apparent... thus confusing and disconcerting.

I am wondering if all of this behavior- this imbalance- reflects a social norm in Chinese society.. a stronger notion of respect toward a person who is older?? My friend is 5 years older than me. This is the only explanation I can imagine!! I wish I could understand, particularly with regard to her never calling me..

I need to know if I should continue to call... I need to know who my friends are!! Opinions/experience appreciated :))))) Thanks

Aug 3, 2011 20:30	#1
LINGYUXISU Points: Join Date: Dec 3, 2010 Status: Offline	Oh, God. I have never ever realized this before. I also has a friend who usually calls me, but whom I never call . I'll call him right now. Maybe your friend didn't realize it either.

Aug 3, 2011 20:32	#2
GUESTLILY	Maybe she don't want to bother you too much or make your GF/wife feel uncomfortable by the calls.

Aug 7, 2011 06:13	#3
LOKI Points: Join Date: Aug 23, 2009 Status: Offline	Quote: Originally Posted by LINGYUXISU Oh, God. I have never ever realized this before. I also has a friend who usually calls me, but whom I never call . I'll call him right now. Maybe your friend didn't realize it either. Thanks LingYu I will be waiting

Aug 7, 2011 10:04	#4
GUEST78113	I think its a culture difference.Chinese girls like to keep distance and don't trust people much.Nina

Aug 7, 2011 23:01	#5
JIMMYB Points: Join Date: Feb 7, 2007 Status: Offline	Quote: Originally Posted by LINGYUXISU Oh, God. I have never ever realized this before. I also has a friend who usually calls me, but whom I never call . I'll call him right now. Maybe your friend didn't realize it either. OMG! He might bear a secret love for you. And I guess this "He" is not Loki.

Aug 7, 2011 23:03	#6
JIMMYB Points: Join Date: Feb 7, 2007 Status: Offline	Quote: Originally Posted by GUEST78113 I think its a culture difference.Chinese girls like to keep distance and don't trust people much.Nina Chinese people prefer to keep a distance from the strangers and they don't trust strangers too. Once they know you, they will change.

Aug 9, 2011 13:05	#7
GUEST76119	Thanks everyone for your comments they are helpful!!! (I'm the person who posted this question- Guest 3128. We are both females by the way and know each other well, for about 9 years.) So here is the BIG QUESTION :) ... Is there an unwritten rule that in a friendship the younger person needs to be calling the older person???? Thanks :)

Aug 9, 2011 20:35	#8
LINGYUXISU Points: Join Date: Dec 3, 2010 Status: Offline	Quote: Originally Posted by LOKI Thanks LingYu I will be waiting Quote: Originally Posted by JIMMYB OMG! He might bear a secret love for you. And I guess this "He" is not Loki. Loki, I think you've never called me, so... Jimmy, you've thought too much. I know he has a GF. We just went to the same primary school and have been friends since then. Yes, this "He" is not Loki.

Aug 9, 2011 20:42

LINGYUXISU
Points:
Join Date: Dec 3, 2010
Status: Offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by GUEST76119

Thanks everyone for your comments they are helpful!!! (I'm the person who posted this question- Guest 3128. We are both females by the way and know each other well, for about 9 years.)

So here is the BIG QUESTION :) ... Is there an unwritten rule that in a friendship the younger person needs to be calling the older person???...

I don't think so, since your are just friends with age difference, not an elder gerenation and a younger generation relationship.
Also, my elder generations like my aunts and uncles, call me too if I haven't talked to them for 'long'. Of course, it doesn't happen too much.

Aug 16, 2011 00:05

#10

GUEST32107

Maybe my answer can give you some ideas.
In my observation, it really seems like a culture difference in friendship.
Generally speaking, Chinese people looks shier than westerners and therefore they will show less activeness in a relationship. But this doesn't mean they don't care the relationship. Chinese people sometimes are too courteous to bother their friends and this is only because of culture reasons. So your friend call you less than you do. As to the respect for the old, it's another big one in Chinese culture. I guess it influences, to some extent, your friendship with this lady. A friendship between a younger and an older sometimes goes very hard.
Don't take it too seriously, have a very frank talk with your friend and let her know what you think. It may work.

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