Another Bride Price dilemma

Another Bride Price dilemma
Feb 24, 2012 19:10
guest41120	I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years and I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. She is from Shaanxi and one of the problems is the bride price. I'm only 25 and do not have anything like the £10000 (100K rmb) knocking about to pay the standard bride price. I told my family a few weeks ago and they supported me getting married to this girl but then when I told them the situation with the bride price they were horrified. I thought I'd try to come to some sort of cultural compromise and give a bride I.O.U. as I don't have the money, unlike Chinese I could never ask my parents because bride price is so contrary to Western romantic culture but even the idea that I eventually pay when I could, they found totally unacceptable. My sister was literally crying for two days under the thought that I would willingly involve myself in such a exploitative, superficial culture and that I was getting involved in a cultural scam and we had a big family argument. My parents basically said they would disown me if I paid because they couldn't believe their son would blow £10000 that he (me) didn't have on something as contemptible as a bride price, they said if I paid it I could never ask them for anything again as that would be money that I could have not had to ask them for had I not paid the bride price. I think they are not arch misers and have bankrolled my entire relationship with my gf in flights to UK and China, etc but they said that for me to lumber myself with £10000 debt in a promise would be a terrible start to my adult life. Therefore because it distressed my family so much I agreed that a bride price was a deal breaker and I would not pay it. I know a Canadian and Chinese couple in Xi'an where he has impregnated her and now married her and he has refused a bride price, also Chinese people in England do not practice it, so I began to think that maybe no foreigners practice it; however looking on this forum it seems that the travelchinaguide community is split. I don't want her family to diu lian by me not paying plus they could really use the money. To some extent I it's a moot point as at this time I don't have the money in my bank account so I would have to promise to pay it in a few years. Judging from previous threads on this forum relating to the bride price it seems it is not universal for people not to pay, plus we've been together for years and we would not be getting married to legitimise an unwanted pregnancy. I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter. What do you think is the solution? Where do you draw the cultural line?

Feb 24, 2012 19:10

guest41120

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years and I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. She is from Shaanxi and one of the problems is the bride price. I'm only 25 and do not have anything like the £10000 (100K rmb) knocking about to pay the standard bride price. I told my family a few weeks ago and they supported me getting married to this girl but then when I told them the situation with the bride price they were horrified. I thought I'd try to come to some sort of cultural compromise and give a bride I.O.U. as I don't have the money, unlike Chinese I could never ask my parents because bride price is so contrary to Western romantic culture but even the idea that I eventually pay when I could, they found totally unacceptable. My sister was literally crying for two days under the thought that I would willingly involve myself in such a exploitative, superficial culture and that I was getting involved in a cultural scam and we had a big family argument. My parents basically said they would disown me if I paid because they couldn't believe their son would blow £10000 that he (me) didn't have on something as contemptible as a bride price, they said if I paid it I could never ask them for anything again as that would be money that I could have not had to ask them for had I not paid the bride price. I think they are not arch misers and have bankrolled my entire relationship with my gf in flights to UK and China, etc but they said that for me to lumber myself with £10000 debt in a promise would be a terrible start to my adult life. Therefore because it distressed my family so much I agreed that a bride price was a deal breaker and I would not pay it.

I know a Canadian and Chinese couple in Xi'an where he has impregnated her and now married her and he has refused a bride price, also Chinese people in England do not practice it, so I began to think that maybe no foreigners practice it; however looking on this forum it seems that the travelchinaguide community is split. I don't want her family to diu lian by me not paying plus they could really use the money. To some extent I it's a moot point as at this time I don't have the money in my bank account so I would have to promise to pay it in a few years. Judging from previous threads on this forum relating to the bride price it seems it is not universal for people not to pay, plus we've been together for years and we would not be getting married to legitimise an unwanted pregnancy. I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter. What do you think is the solution? Where do you draw the cultural line?

Feb 24, 2012 21:50	#1
RAINDROP Points: Join Date: Aug 24, 2009 Status: Offline	Sorry to hear that. You might negotiate with your parents-in-law about the bride price, praying that they can ask for less money.

Feb 25, 2012 00:50	#2
DODGER Points: Join Date: Jul 15, 2007 Status: Offline	Guest41120, what you haven’t mentioned is what your girlfriend feels about her parents asking for money. Does she think it’s OK? Dodger.

Feb 25, 2012 16:57

GUEST23170

Just in case there is any ambiguity, I am the OP

Well Dodger, she does think it's ok for them to ask but she also thinks it's ok for me not to pay, as it is not western culture. I'm not sure what the parents would think because I haven't asked my gf to marry me yet and if I do I'll do in the western romantic gesture way rather than, imho, the less romantic Chinese bridal business contract between parents way.

Nonetheless my girlfriend's friends think that to not pay the bride price is unacceptable and I'm sure she's steeling herself to not have a bp. Her friends and family are very vulgar, superficial no house no car, uneducated mainland types; when I first met her uncle I had to guess how much his rolex cost, needless to say it was millions. I doubt my gf would think it would be bad for her parents to ask because it is Chinese culture and the minimum that would be expected from a native guy, I genuinely think they would take into consideration that it's not my culture and so not ask an astronomical figure, but my parents and family have said they'd disown me for any price because they think I don't have the money and would have to ask them either directly or indirectly and bride price is such a contemptible practice.

Feb 26, 2012 04:54	#4
BLEMISH Points: Join Date: Oct 17, 2011 Status: Offline	I married a Chinese girl from Wuhan. But I didn`t have to pay a bride price. A bride price was never discussed. We did get married in the UK though.

Feb 27, 2012 06:17

DODGER
Points:
Join Date: Jul 15, 2007
Status: Offline

I have just asked my wife about the issue of ‘Bride price’.
Firstly the practice seems to differ from place to place, but the underling facts appears to be the wealth of the bride’s family and class driven. If they are rich they will offer a house, car and cash to the couple. If they are poor they may expect some compensation for loosing the income of the bride, who traditionally leaves her family to become the daughter of her husbands’ parents.
Add to that, the guests at the wedding feast are expected to present a red envelope. The amount of money in this is again dependent on the wealth of the invited guests, but ‘face’ is also involved.
I try to avoid being invited to too many. It can become expensive.
I hope this helps.
Cheers, Dodger.

Feb 27, 2012 22:19	#6
ICEBERG Points: Join Date: Sep 10, 2007 Status: Offline	Well, you can ask how much will they pay for their daughter's dowry. It's also a tradition that parents give dowry to their daughters. In some places, the parents will buy their daughter a car or give money as dowry. Ask what your parents-in-law will give to their daughter. Then you can make a deal. You do not ask dowry from them and they won't ask so much money as bride price.

Mar 4, 2012 07:18

GUEST21314

Here is the solution. It is usual for the parents to provide a gift to the happy couple on their wedding day. Simply say you will be happy to pay the asking bride price if they will match it with their gift to the couple. As the figure is the same, no money need change hands.

There is always the "bluff factor involved in these cases. They take the risk that if you refuse to pay and refuse to marry their daughter, they will lose out twice. A single girl might not be as valuable to a Chinese man after she had a relationship with a laowai.

Mar 7, 2012 00:08	#8
JIMMYB Points: Join Date: Feb 7, 2007 Status: Offline	GUEST41120, Have you figure it out? Someone told me that boys bought the apartment and the parents-in-law bought a car as a wedding gift. Most locals in Xian do this. You may ask your parents-in-law to buy you a car.

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