| How do you approach death in China? | |
|---|---|
| May 12, 2008 02:23 |   |
 | From my experience death isn't something much talked about here in China, but I need some help here, specifically from natives. I've lived here for a couple years now and a good friend of mine gave birth to a healthy son last year. Two months ago they had to bring him to a big hospital to check out his heart which was having problems, and after they had thought everything was ok, they went home and just last weekend he caught an infection and passed away. He was about 6 months old, well past the 100 days mark, but I've been told that there will be no funeral. She, my friend, has said through co-workers that she is willing to see visitors and well-wishers. I have a couple questions. First, why no funeral? Or at least a little memorial? It just seems wrong to have no closure for the family. Second, what should my response be? In the west it is customary to bring flowers, write a card or maybe have my wife make some food to bring over, but I've never seen that done here. Death seems like such a taboo subject, so should I even make much hoopla about it? |
| May 12, 2008 02:39 | #1 |
| GUEST80105 | Just realax be friendly and approach him with a friendly Ni Hao, the same you would any other stranger in China. |
| May 13, 2008 09:34 | #2 |
| Ok, maybe I wasn't completely clear in my question. Let me rephrase. What is the best way to comfort my friend who just lost her young son? This question has just become more relevant in the past 48 hours - most everybody here in China has family or knows somebody who was affected by this major earthquake. Is the proper Chinese response to just act like nothing happened and let them grieve on their own? I refuse to do so unless I'm completely sure this is what the "social norm" is. |
| May 13, 2008 10:39 | #3 |
| JSummer, Yes, death and grief are handled quite differently here and while our first response is to give comfort it may make your friend feel uneasy for you to offer in the same way you might to friends and family at home. I personally have had a couple of instances where I have watched those around me when someone died. One was at the time of the death of a colleague and I was not invited to any funeral or memorial and I'm not sure what happened after her death. I visited in hospital a few days before she died and openly wept in front of her and my colleagues as it was obvious the she was deteriorating and her death was considered immanent. While my colleagues were upset about her illness and subsequent death,, they said little and showed very little outward emotion. The other tragic instance was after our bus hit a young girl as she dashed across the highway. As her mother stood looking at her tangled body, she collapsed in grief and tears, but others, some possibly friends or family just stood by not touching her with any open or physical comfort. The bystanders and our fellow passengers expressed little, if any emotion and this seemed strange to my friend and I and two other foreigners on the bus By all means send a card with your condolences, but we need to be sensitive to cultural norms too. Perhaps some other local members can share a little more on this sensitive issue. It is important for us to understand these cultural differences. |
| May 13, 2008 21:16 | #4 |
| My Wife’s Mother died suddenly last week. Her friends told me to be extra kind and gentle with her. I would have presumed to have acted that way anyway. I don’t think that the emotional side is any different to that in the West. There are obviously some cultural differences in the way that the funeral is performed. The oldest son, for example is not supposed to shave for 30 (?) days. A person two floors below me passed away a couple of weeks ago. The door to the apartment was left open for 3 days. That was an easy one to work out. Dodger. |
| May 13, 2008 21:30 | #5 |
| When we were in Langde, Guizhou Province, in October, which is populated mainly by Miao and Dong minorities, we passed an open building where a funeral was going on. Everyone was dressed in black, (although that may have been their normal clothes color), and you could hear the sound of mourning. When we asked our guide what was going on, she said someone had died and that it was a funeral service. Perhaps, each ethnic group expresses their grief and the final arrangements in their own way. I think a simple expression of sympathy in a card would be acceptable to anyone, anywhere. |
| May 14, 2008 07:44 | #6 |
| Actually, you are more likely to witness a funeral in a rural area than you are in the city. I recall seeing a couple of very public and noisy processions. It is not uncommon for mourners to be very loud. On our recent trip to Guizhou and rural Sichuan we passed through a little village that was letting off crackers on the road and everyone was hanging around. It seemed like a community affair. They also had a sign on the road to ward traffic since it was on a blind corner. We slowed considerably as we passed. |
| May 14, 2008 21:14 | #7 |
| "When we were in Langde, Guizhou Province, in October, which is populated mainly by Miao and Dong minorities, we passed an open building where a funeral was going on. Everyone was dressed in black, (although that may have been their normal clothes color), and you could hear the sound of mourning." ETTYB, people in some northern countryside wear in white when their parents or relative die. When people get married, people also wear white wedding dresses. Isn't it condradictory? Nope. During the traditional wedding ceremonies, the bride usually wear in red. Nowadays, young Chinese people have been influenced by western culture. When they get married, they wear in white. Some even go to the churches even they don't believe in God. |
| May 18, 2008 21:43 | #8 |
| At the funeral, the relatives usually cry loudly. In the west, do you usually silence for several seconds? |
| May 19, 2008 02:54 | #9 |
| I have noticed the loud crying during funerals here in China. Crying during a western funeral is very common, but usually not very loudly. Besides the volume of the cries, though, the biggest difference I've seen is how in the west it's common to physically try to comfort those who may be crying - in China people seem to keep their distance. I personally get very uncomfortable when people start wailing at a funeral. Probably just the way I was brought up, though. |
| May 19, 2008 05:21 | #10 |
| just do as your own way. |
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