| Romancing a Chinese woman | |
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| Jul 17, 2011 04:06 | #91   |
| GUESTGUEST12318 | GUEST7221 and all. Thanks for the post. Yes, We have several photographs of each other. She says looks do not matter, or money, she wants a stable relationship more than anything else. This really is what I would like. Sex is not a 'deal breaker', if you want it, you can get it anywhere, but there is no hesitancy that she would be my wife so to speak. She also mentions she would like a traditional Chinese wedding in China. I heard stories where potential grooms are uh, denied their liberty, and married whether they want to or not. I do not believe these stories are true, but it puts a doubt in your mind. I am sure this is not the case with this lady, but I could have missed something. She seemed concerned what my family and friends will think of her. They are all cool with the idea, some even very interested, which I have told her. This would appear to be the trigger for the offer of a visit, so I am assuming ( making an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME" ) that she does want to move to the U.K. as we have planned. I know I am not that 'worldly wise', I am a little naive and tent to trust a little too easily but I would hate to mis-judge her because of my failings. |
| Jul 17, 2011 06:03 | #92 |
 | Guest12318, ‘She seemed concerned what my family and friends will think of her.’ From her perspective, family and friends approval is extremely important, more so than in the west. Factor in that she has probable never traveled abroad before and her understanding of so called western culture would be minimal. Also factor in that she will have no support group of her own. The speed of this relationship from a Chinese woman’s perspective appears in my experience to be perfectly normal. I would not be worried about traveling to Beijing and Handan on your own, it’s not Afghanistan. I live in Beijing so if at any point you feel the need to have a contact here, feel free to contact me via a PM. Cheers, Dodger. |
| Jul 18, 2011 04:44 | #93 |
| GUEST2325 | Good luck to Guest 12318. Better bring some gifts when you come to her family. Don't be nervous. |
| Jul 19, 2011 06:29 | #94 |
| She needs an intrepreter so obviously speaks little or no English. This will be your biggest problem. Communication (or lack of) causes much frustraion and could make or break a relationship. You will need A LOT of patience. The main priority for a single or divorced Chinese lady is financial security. Love, looks, age and "other things" are of secondary importance. A traditional Chinese wedding is in two parts. A 10 minute signing of documents is the actual marriage. The celebration is probably what she is referring to and that can take place at another time and place. It is basically a feast and if you are lucky the giving of red envelopes (紅包, hóngbāo). This might also involve dressing up and having "official" studio photos taken. There might be mention of a bride price. This is largely dying out now and should only apply to an umnmarried daughter, so I would ignore attempts to extract money from you. |
| Jul 19, 2011 16:09 | #95 |
| Theriverboatman, formerly Guest12318. Hi all, thanks for the responses, I really appreciate them. How does this sound to you? Checking my e-mail last night I find a letter from my lady. Puzzled by the timing ( a reply in under 1 1/2 hours ) I open the letter from my love. The opening lines were:- Hello Dad, I am your daughter, (name),I were very happy for her after she told me about you. I always hope my mom can find a man who will love her as who she is, and I can see my mom love you as well from her words. I'm studying at another city all the time, I can't be with her, she lived with my second aunt after I go to university. I don't want her be alone any more, I hope she can find someone take care of her instead of me. . . . . and so on. I was just accepting the fact that if I marry my lady, this would be true, I would be a stepfather, and was beginning to feel pleased and yes, proud that she would call me dad. Then something clicked in my head. The letter had come via my ladies mail account, and the daughter was "in another city all the time". O.K. says the optimist in me, maybe she has her mothers account details and wants to make contact as there was much talk on my part about how I wanted her to accept me as a friend. A gentle alarm bell rings in the farthest reaches of my befuddled old head, The name is " **i**i", I thought it was "**n**n". I look back at my letters and discover that in all but three of them the young ladies name is"**i**i". In one sequence of letters I respond to her mother using one form of her daughters name, read her mothers response and note the other form of the name, respond with an apology for getting her daughters name wrong. my lady then reverts to the original name. STILL optimistic, I decide it could be a typo. Look at my keyboard layout and realise that it would be quite a big typo because of the positions of I and N keys. Now I wonder, has anyone ever mis-spelled their own child's name when writing a letter? If the reply came back with your child's name mis-spelled would you not gently point out the error? Given the importance of names in the culture, I wonder why nothing has been said by mother? I modify my original question to "why should I NOT be worried by this?" and before I blow the relationship with questions and answers routine, can I please ask you all for your opinions on this. Thank you all for your help. |
| Jul 19, 2011 21:53 | #96 |
| GUEST0268 | I am puzzled too after reading your post. If you mis-spelled her daughter's name, She should have pointed it out and told you the correct one. You two haven't been married and you haven't seen her daughter. How could her daughter call you "Dad"? She is too bold. I don't want to ruin your relationship with her. But it is really too fast. Hope that everything is fine. I do wish that I was wrong. |
| Jul 20, 2011 02:28 | #97 |
| TRBM, I personally think you may be getting a bit paranoid. If she’s using an interpreter to help her write her emails she would be in no position to spell check hers or yours, and besides that, many Chinese I know are referred to by different names all the time. And yes, I find it confusing. As to her daughter calling you Dad, also quite normal in my experience, even though you are yet to marry, and have not met. Dodger. |
| Jul 20, 2011 06:15 | #98 |
| Welcome to the complications of Chinese life. Terminology can be confusing. Female friends or neighbours are often referred to as Sister. (Sister Ying etc). Male older friends might be Uncle. Chinese translation is often vague and can easily be misunderstood...even by Chinese. If she is using an agency interpreter they sometimes have an agenda of their own and what you are reading might not be exactly what she is sending..... and vice versa. She might also be paying quite high fees for this service. Two months is a short time (in my opinion) to be getting so serious, having said that, when a Chinese lady makes a decision she usually charges forward regardless. However, being introduced to the Chinese family is akin to becoming engaged. Are you able to communicate at all by Skype or MSN using a web cam? I think seeing the person live is far more reassuring than relying on photos ..... even if you cannot say much. It is possible that mother and daughter are sharing an email account (on this occasion) but I'm sure daughter has a personal one. (How many young ladies would want mom reading their emails?). Perhaps she just didn't want to give out her own email address to a stranger? On the other hand is mom paying for translations when daughter speaks good English? I would remain cautious rather than worried. Don't compare a relationship with a Chinerse woman with that of a western one, they are totally different. The time to get worried is if a request for money arrives. Maybe school or medical bills? This is when you should run for the hills. You probably will however be expected to pay for or at least contribute to the wedding party. |
| Jul 20, 2011 07:16 | #99 |
| Thank you everyone. I am glad you have put my feet back on the ground. I had decided to keep writing but be careful. Yep, a bit paranoid is a fair description, when things go this well it is usually just before they pull the rug out from under my feet. I really like this lady and would hate to give up for the wrong reasons. I will continue for the time being and later I hope that I can tell you all I was being a bit of a berk, and my lady is straight down the middle. Thanks all, John. |
| Jul 20, 2011 14:46 | #100 |
| I don' find it hard to believe her daughter would call you dad, my son did the same with me after we decided to marry. Your woman is going to be worried that you are cheating her, my wife was calling me husband after three weeks of talking online together because I told her i chose her and was only writing to her lol. Get ready to rush, once she makes up her mind she is gonna want to marry as soon as possible. If she hasnt asked you for money gifts etc, and doesnt while you are courting, at least not to much, she is probably not cheating you. Get over there and see her as soon as possible, and be ready to buy a ring cause she will probably want to get one on her finger, mostly to show her family you are serious. Once you are there you will have a better understanding. What sold me when I worriied was that for over a year of paperwork etc my wife never asked for money presents and would refuse if I asked her if she needed it. If someone is cheating you, I dont think they would wait that long, and especially not put in hours every single day talking to me and writing if I was just a mark, plus I made it very clear I am not well off at least not rich. Get your butt over ther and with presents for her family. good lucl |
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