| Helping a "little empress" | |
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| Nov 21, 2009 02:24 |   |
 | My step-daughter (19 years old) is a little empress; she has been in the USA for a little more than a year. She is usually a great young woman, however, as the little empress she is often selfish, inconsiderate and unappreciative of the kindnesses of her peers and what her mother and I have sacrificed for her. When she returns home for the US Thanksgiving holiday, I'd like to talk with her and say something that will help her understand the importance of being more considerate of the people who treat her with kindness and love. As her American father, I believe it is my responsibility to at least try to help her understand how this behavior may hurt her future. The things I'd say to an American young person may be ineffective because her understanding of English is still a bit shallow. Is there a Chinese proverb that will help her understand? |
| Nov 21, 2009 12:01 | #1 |
| This sounds like a pretty typical western teenager although usually a little earlier. To them you are old (over 30 is ancient) and what do you know about modern life. She is more likely to to be influenced by her favourite film star or singer than father or step father I'm afraid. You can try explaining your concerns but this can cause even more obstinacy. Avoid the phrase "when I was your age....." Having been there and done that with two girls now past age 19 I have sympathy, but can assure you she will change for the better with maturity. |
| Nov 21, 2009 20:16 | #2 |
| Griz, please specify what sacrifice do you and your Chinese wife make for your step-daughter? As far as I know, majority of Chinese children who were born or have being growing up overseas are not like what you describe. |
Last edited by MARRIE: Nov 21, 2009 20:17 |
| Nov 22, 2009 00:32 | #3 |
| My step-daughter was 18 when she came to the USA and I married her mother. She is a Chinese girl and not yet very "Americanized." Going to university in the USA is very costly - even when going to a university in your home state. Sending our daughter to university is depleting all of our savings because the economic problems in the USA hit me very, very hard. The savings were originally intended for my retirement...when I got married - our retirement; but my wife would have been (rightfully) unhappy had I refused to educate our daughter...so our money is all earmarked for our daughter now. That is the sacrifice my wife and I are making and there seems to be very little appreciation of what we are giving her. Most recently, because of the inappropriate behavior of her dormitory roommates, we had to get her a private dorm room. We sent her a small refrigerator and microwave oven to make her room a little more comfortable. This, of course, costs additional money. She allowed these amenities to sit in the dormitory office for more than a week and complained that she did not have them. I had to arrange to get them from the office to her dormitory room; in my opinion, this was a trivial matter that she should have and could have taken care of herself. For the upcoming Thanksgiving holidays, I had to get her bus ticket and arranged for transportation to and from the university to the bus station. She was too busy to do this for herself. ...now in her defense, there is a part of me that believes this could be a frightened child trying to make her way in a strange country...but it is just as likely that she is the empress who expects to be taken care of and does not lift a finger to help herself...which is a behavior I have seen at home in the past year. She also displays very little consideration for the two American girls who befriended her when she first arrived: they got her to join school groups, participate in music programs, took her to their families' holiday gatherings and helped her socialize with young people her own age rather than sit in her room with the door closed. She refused to attend a dramatic performance featuring one her helpful friends as a show of support; my wife and I attended without her. My wife was very disappointed in her daughter. All of our adult friends have more colorful ways to describe this girl's behavior than I have expressed here; they will comment on her behavior to me, but spare my wife the embarrassment of their reaction to our daughter. My wife recognizes our daughter's shortcomings and has asked me to help her. Were she still a child, this might be an easier matter, but as a young adult it is a "tough nut to crack." Does this answer your question, Marrie? |
| Nov 22, 2009 21:04 | #4 |
| My opinion is that you and your wife treatment to your step-daughter is out of track that could have led her the way to being Americanized. Do you think it is Americanized that your pension instended for retirement life is for her education fees? Besides shelter and food, you are NOT liable for providing those extras to her. |
| Nov 23, 2009 00:20 | #5 |
| Griz, I should say that you are a great and qualified step-father. You treat your step-daughter very well. I don't know more about your family but I think that girl might be spoiled. You and your wife do everything for her, arranging her a private room, buying her amenities, buying her bus ticket etc. But I am wondering how she reacts. Did she think that these things are what you should do for her? Did she take all of these for granted? She is already an adult and should learn to take care of herself. You daughter reminds me of a report. A 17 years old girl went to the Britain to continue her study. However, she couldn't take care of herself. Every morning, she had a webcam conversation with her mom. Her mom told her what to wear and how to coordinate her handbag, shoes and clothes. At home, her mom arranged everything very well for her daughter and he daughter needn't worry about anything. This time, she went abroad. She should have taken care of herself but she was incapable of doing these things. Her dad said that he once gave her daughter some money and asked her to buy three tickets for them to watch a movie. After a while, her daughter came back with the money in her hand. She told her dad that there were so many people who were queuing for buying tickets and she was afraid. Sometimes, spoiling will ruin a kid's future. Parents can't take care of their kids forever so that they should give their children a chance to learn to be independent. |
| Nov 23, 2009 00:25 | #6 |
| There BTW, do you know this phrase “穷人的孩子早当家”? I translate it into English. Kids from the poor families will have to be breadwinners earlier. Maybe, it is inappropriate. I am just saying that poverty sometimes can force a child grow up faster. |
| Nov 23, 2009 10:12 | #7 |
| I think you nailed it, JimmyB. Unfortunately, I do not really know how capable she is to start her adult life in a strange country like the USA. As her caretaker while my wife is back in China, I do not know where to draw the line. Her mother discounts criticism of her daughter by saying that she is shy - which I do not entirely believe - although she is a natural loner. 穷人的孩子早当家 is certainly a good one for this situation. Are there any others that come to mind that might help me elaborate on this? She gets home from the university tomorrow. |
| Nov 23, 2009 19:05 | #8 |
| Griz, she could be missing her biological father if you don't mind me saying so. M. |
| Nov 23, 2009 19:32 | #9 |
| I don't mind at all, Marrie. She is close to her Father and I encourage her to call him and her Grandmother from her father's side of the family. She frequently introduces me as her father, which makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I am trying to make a strong showing as a replacement Dad. Unfortunately, there's no "Replacement Dad Administrator's Guide" to help in decision making. :) |
| Nov 23, 2009 20:14 | #10 |
| Well, I am afraid that she might not get used to a new life, especially in a strange country where people speak different language. As you said, her mother claims that her daughter is shy. To deal with a shy girl, you need to encourage her very much to take part in social activities but don't force her to do what she doesn't like. Shy guys are usually unconfident and sensitive. That’s why she would rather stay at her private room than to join the drama play. Next time you can ask her to get her bus ticket and you can accompany her of course. There is "Replacement Dad Administrator's Guide". Love and care for her as much as you can and don’t give up! I am sure that she will get to know that you are a great “replacement dad”. By the way, she may not accept you as her father very soon. It’s normal. She has stayed with her biological father for very long. Her love toward her biological father is deep and it can’t be replaced or erased. Don’t be jealous, Griz! Just be patient and use your love and care to move her. To be a good father is a hard job. But it is harder to be a good step-father. |
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