| Last chance. | |
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| Jan 18, 2012 21:06 | #31   |
 | Quote:Originally Posted by GUEST20649 A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guy... Brave man. I do not have courage to enter a restaurant or bar if I just have 75 cents. I guess that he must be a heavy drinker. He can't help entering the bar and drinking. |
| Jan 20, 2012 10:47 | #32 |
| GUEST20649 | And getting as much in as he can before being thrown out! |
| Jan 20, 2012 21:01 | #33 |
| GUEST2483 | Quote:Originally Posted by GUEST20649 And getting as much in as he can before being thrown out!I can make a guess. He will be well beaten and then thrown out. Maybe, he was prepared for being beaten before entering the bar.  |
| Jan 21, 2012 20:38 | #34 |
| A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Minister, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah! The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ... circumcision may not have been the best way to start." |
| Feb 2, 2012 22:37 | #35 |
| **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ...........** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number.........** |
| Feb 3, 2012 00:12 | #36 |
| Bad Bobert, I can't help laughing after reading your "telephone accident". The Daddy just helped another Daddy punish his disloyal wife. |
| Apr 1, 2012 20:49 | #37 |
| GUEST20649 | The Drunk A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "NO, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello are you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing," the drunk replies. |
| Apr 3, 2012 04:46 | #38 |
| GUEST20649 | I thought it was funny, but apparently not others!! :-) |
| Apr 3, 2012 05:32 | #39 |
| GUEST20649 | A few more clean jokes: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy? The one on the range. A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, Why the Long Face" Q. Where do you find a one legged dog? A. Where you left it. Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other "God it's hot in here" The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin" I know I know.....but I bet you smiled! |
| May 1, 2012 01:59 | #40 |
| GUEST20649 | Funny quotes: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Women might be able to fake 'excitement'. But men can fake a whole relationship. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. |
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