| Once you marry a Chinese woman, it is tantamount to marrying her entire family. | |
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| Jun 21, 2016 18:49 | #121   |
 | Part Two For me the biggest problems started with the birth of “our” son. And her mother coming down to take care / help out. (What I honestly thought was a great idea). Now here is where it comes down to right: You are still going to be the little B!TCH (yeah you could try to take charge but they won’t let you do that) Even If it would be possible to take charge it most likely would be punching her into a pulp. (What I’m A: against and B: won’t do any good because they are too stubborn) *Like that little puppy that keeps peeing on the sofa (because it’s missing a few chromosomes. Anyway her mom came here, and there was a discussion because of them sleeping together with the baby on our bed (babies have cribs put them in there).The mom on one side my ex on the other the little guy in-between them. When I walked up and found out that the arm of my ex was covering his mouth and nose. When I freak out they denied it like it didn’t happen.( good example for the topic “FACE” and how to save FACE). I wish I had pulled my phone out of my pocket and made a picture of it.(of course my first reaction was babies life first talk later kind of move). Here’s a good example for “ITS OUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” #theflooristoocold: But the floor turned out warmer than the bed he used to sleep on at that time. It was summer and he was just about 3 or 4 months old. (Just before my ex decided to leave with “our” son and with her mom) to stay without my consent and go up to the north of China. I put our baby play gym on the living room floor and wanted him to spend some time in the living room because his life was more bounded to our upstairs bedroom at that time.(well most of his time he was upstairs on the bed).When I put him down on the baby gym his grandmother went apesh!t. Because the floor is too cold (this is Fuzhou summer and it gets hot). So I double check the floor to see if it’s cold or not. I decided to get the digital thermometer to check the floor temperature (reading about 26 degrees / 80 Fahrenheit.(yes this one can also check the temperature of any item between -3 to about 80 Celsius). Then I went upstairs to check the temperature of the bed he stayed on and that was 26.8 (the bed was warmer than the floor). When confronting my ex and her mother they did the only “right” thing they could do. Not take any responsibility or “give in”. And of course I “lost” also that battle. *YOU CAN NOT “WIN” BECAUSE IT’S ONLY THE CHINESE WAY! They only can listen to some Chinese person that has more face or simply outranks them. Same with a guy I know here, he had a one hour discussion with his wife. This was about his son playing with the wife’s phone (3 year old kid). After one hour of bickering, she “gave” in and said ok ill don’t let him play with it. Guy goes shopping and comes back, yeah the kid is playing with that same phone again. As you can see, it simple is a battle you can’t win. End of part two |
| Jun 21, 2016 18:50 | #122 |
| Part Three With this stuff being said, and yes there is soo much more to write down. Of course you can be the so called “lucky” one and don’t have these problems. Because you girlfriend / wife is “different”. What I doubt she is in all honesty. The saddest part that came was when my mother-in-law and ex and son moved back up north of China for about 3 weeks. That quickly turned into months. Me and my ex had many arguments and shit went from bad to worse. One of the main reasons was of course about money. And me saying that it was time for me to start managing it. Something she wasn’t that happy about (I guess it was because of her credit card debts). What she never really talked about, my guess is that she had major debs before we even met. Even if I can’t proof this, but if something smells like shit and it looks like shit you might want to consider it probably will be sh!t. What really fucked me up for some time (and still does from time to time) is that my son is about a year and a half and I have seen him 3 months out of that. Peeps embassies can’t do jack for you her in China besides helping you in case of a “true” emergency (and still not able to do a lot) or they can help you with a new passport or handle visa appliances. So they set up a report with all the details so they do know about this. What I didn’t know that under Dutch law, what my wife did was in fact committing a crime called kidnapping. Like the dude from the embassy said: Keeping a child away from one of the parents without consent from the other under a different address is kidnapping. Then you could say, why you didn’t go to the Chinese cops. Yeah, well my experience is that if I would have is going to be laowai VS China. And I would have lost that battle. Anyway it’s my birthday and ironically it is also father’s day while I’m typing this… SO happy F-ing B-Day to me. 19-06-2016 So, the question now could be: Whom can make it work with a Chinese girl….? Well there are multiple answers to that. Laid back people without any care in the world. (Stoners that can still function aka do their jobs to) If you could lower your standards and leave your morals at home life in China will be easier (and so there for the relationship with your girl). Then again if you are like me and have a slight case of OCD and you are somewhat a control freak, life will be a lot harder…(grinning ). Also if you are able to get your girl to your home country life will be easier because her family won’t be breathing down your neck 24/7 yeah most of the time the grandparents will move in with you guys after the first child is born. So that will give you zero privacy and will probably drive you to the point where you want to blow your brains out. Unless of course you just say this following mantra (and put it on repeat): My life is good, China and its people are reasonable and not selfish at all. TIC TIC TIC (This Is China). End of part three |
| Jun 21, 2016 18:52 | #123 |
| Part Four Then you also will have different types of girls in China, educated uneducated from a wealthy background new and old money and the working class and the “poor”. Then you can have the adventure girl, the left over ones and the: Hello you are my new fashion accessory, and you are replaceable. There was a African friend of mine (in china the lowest “quality” laowai you could find) remember laowai = foreigner. That was having a relationship with a Chinese girl from Ningbo. After dating her for about 5 years and she now being 26/27 years old. Its marriage time ASAP (anything after 28 and you are considered a left over woman in China) There for you are sort of expired and doomed never to get married unless you can find a laowai… So the girl decides to go back to her hometown and she got married to some wealthy Chinese guy after 4/5 months. The way I see it it’s like this: here is proof that it mostly business and to get your parents and peers of your back. It’s also somewhat super F’ed up in my opinion, because she just left the laowai for dead just because he didn’t want to get married at that time. GUYS !!! 5 years together and you just go, oh sorry I need to get married so let’s do this or I find someone else COME ON! Even a more F’ed up story is about a local girl that got married and has two kids with a laowai . They lived together here in China. So what happened (and no I don’t know the full story) she bumped into another laowai (this dude got money) and while still married to the laowai got pregnant. #golddigger now they are going to move back to this guy’s home country with their new baby. This girl is leaving here other kids with her ex here in China and is moving on to a “better” place. So to get back to dating Chinese girls from different backgrounds. If you really need to or want to there are some options in my opinion. You could go for the left over girls /woman that have made it by Chinese upper class standards. Because she is basically the boss of the whole family and will do what she wants to do. (Family won’t bother or will bother less in your guys relationship) . Younger girl with wealthy parents and with younger older brother (very important she has a brother) because the focus will be more towards him. So it’s better if he is already married of course… But what will help you out even more, are the ones that have lived abroad for at least one or more years. Because those are the ones that know there is more than “5000” years of China and “THE China way”. Its works both ways btw because China is for sure a lot different from what I thought it was before coming over here. End of part Four |
| Jun 21, 2016 18:54 | #124 |
| Final Part So to get back to dating Chinese girls from different backgrounds. If you really need to or want to there are some options in my opinion. You could go for the left over girls /woman that have made it by Chinese upper class standards. Because she is basically the boss of the whole family and will do what she wants to do. (Family won’t bother or will bother less in your guys relationship) . Younger girl with wealthy parents and with younger older brother (very important she has a brother) because the focus will be more towards him. So it’s better if he is already married of course… But what will help you out even more, are the ones that have lived abroad for at least one or more years. Because those are the ones that know there is more than “5000” years of China and “THE China way”. Its works both ways btw because China is for sure a lot different from what I thought it was before coming over here. Now as far as it gets to what decisions I made in the past regarding my marriage, I hoped and at one point in time thought my ex was different. (oh boy how wrong can one be). There were many warning signs but we both took some shortcuts and lie to our self’s that everything would be better (well at least I did). But at one point she got pregnant (I never wanted kids or get married) and for some good reasons I have to say. But let’s not get into that right now. What I should have done was trusted my guts (yeah I blame all this on myself) I knew or thought this would all turn into sh!t and so it did. I just hope that by sharing this “Oh note to self” :( writing helps a lot btw). That the people out there can learn from my experiences (because like me, most have no clue what they are getting themselves into). I don’t want to put the people of China (mostly mainland) down or make them look over the top bad. But my opinion is that they are just another breed of “people”. And if your guts say this girl is the “ONE” then put a 110% into it. So why this whole piece, If I can help / warn people about the consequences of getting together with a Chinese girl. And if I can save someone from wasting their time and saving them from A lot of problems and hurt then my story and my pain haven’t been a waste after all. (at least a little less) . Cheers, #JB |
| Jun 26, 2016 03:01 | #125 |
| GUEST12943 | JAYB, fantastic piece. Thanks so much for your contribution. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but the more experiences we can read about, the better picture we can paint. I've been in a relationship with a Chinese woman for a few years. I should preface this by saying I was NOT searching for a Chinese woman -- we met in the US (she was here for school), and I felt a connection with her. She's in her mid 20's, from an upper-middle class family from one of the big cities, and no previous marriages or children. Her parents are cautiously, but genuinely supportive of our relationship (we've met). A somewhat "westernized" Chinese woman. I see all of the positives that people have mentioned: very sweet, kind, loving, and caring. I also see many of the (objectively) negative traits: controlling/overbearing family, the "cold shoulder" approach to conflict management, and somewhat materialistic. We are generally very happy, but do have our tiffs from time to time. Mostly cultural clashes, which WILL inevitably happen. But honestly, you cannot enter a long-term relationship and expect roses and daisies 100% of the time. From what I've gathered, the best approach to these relationships is to try and look at conflict and cultural clash from both party's point of view. For instance, the topic of parents moving in recently came up (yikes!!) We discussed the matter for a while, where I expressed tempered disapproval of the idea. But, by considering the importance of family (and proximity of said family) of the Chinese culture, I was able to understand where she was coming from. From her point of view, this wasn't being deceitful or manipulative -- this was a genuine concern, being 1000's of miles away from her family. Her parents have since echoed my sentiments of NOT living under the same roof, but rather living in close proximity (phew!) Relationships are about two people. We may look at Chinese women as being stereotypically submissive, but they are as much people as we are. If we are unwilling to entertain their wishes and concerns, WE are just as much a cause of the problem. The same goes true with all women -- compromise has to be made in a relationship for it to be successful. In short, if you understand cultural differences and are BOTH willing to compromise , I don't see any reason why a relationship cannot work simply because of different ethnicities. Serious conversations must be had. Of course there will be relationships that don't succeed... just like localized relationships. If we bring a foreign woman to our home country, we must understand what she is leaving behind, and make a genuine effort to compromise and try to accommodate the culture differences. Learn Mandarin, visit China regularly, invite the family, etc. There is a shred of truth to the stereotypes and generalizations, but only a shred -- every person is different. Us Westerners have our own stereotypes; just ask a Chinese person :) |
| Jun 28, 2016 13:42 | #126 |
| GUEST27173 | My son lived in China for 4 years.Married a Chinese woman and they had a little girl. Asked if I would sponsor her coming to US.Lived with me for 2 years. Definitely learned Chinese culture. Things you need to know: 1)Chinese culture is ALL about "saving face". Things we would deem immoral are okay in Chinese culture as long as it means you will "save face". Whatever it takes to "save face" is justified. Discovered after the fact several instances where I, AND my son, had been lied to so she could "save face". Saving face is very much kept alive with her now long distance relationship with friends and family left in China. (Examples below) 2)There is a fascination with high end women's hand bags. Status symbol. Who would have thought? 1st shopping trip was to purchase a $4000 Chanel bag. Yes, $4000! I didn't even know such a thing existed. While they are frugal and all about saving, there was no limit when it came to this purchase. And of course, the pictures went home to China like hot cakes. Diapers for child became non-essential. 3) Be prepared grandmothers, that you will be expected to be the full time caregiver for the child. Chinese grandmothers do child the rearing. In my home I live with and care for my 37 year old adult disabled daughter, and there was NO consideration that I had my hands full, not to mention that in 2 yrs I will be 70. Chinese mom would sit in the upstairs bedroom with the door closed and spend her day on Chinese version of Facebook, taking a nap every afternoon. By default the child became MY responsibility. When I mentioned the strain it was putting on me, my son defended her culture. I refused to comply. 2 yr old child became hungry. Crying for food, Chinese mom came downstairs, threw leftover french fries on table.Left child in booster seat. Huffed and stomped back upstairs.Breakfast. Chinese mom later complained to hubby that she "felt like a nanny". 3)There is an apathy about life that is hard to explain. Look at the you-tube video about the toddler who is run over by a truck in China. That says it all.Things that we would respond to merely with a sense of kindness and caring for another human being are met with completely apathy.Eyes open but nobody home. 4) Chinese cannot line up. Her rudeness exposed at DMV! 5)Chinese eat with mouths open. Louder smacking, the better. 6)Burping is highly valued, AND competitive!Longest, loudest, most grotesque burp ever heard came from son's little petite Chinese wife. Look of delight on her face as she waited for someone to respond in kind around our Thanksgiving table. Priceless!!! 7)Chinese are MASTERS at the silent treatment AND you will NEVER know what you did to offend. 8)Can never EVER be direct with the Chinese. Son taught me how to skillfully beat around the bush. 9)Chinese do not understand dogs as pets. Look online at China's Yulin dog meat festival. 10)#1 objective, get friends/family here from China. She's trying to connect friends w my other single sons. |
| Jun 30, 2016 13:24 | #127 |
| GUEST27173 | I have watched my son go from a vibrant, healthy, happy, confident, up beat man to a bedraggled, skinny, under confident, whipped, scared, and completely unhappy human being. His hair has gone totally gray. He is mid 30's. My son could have had any woman he wanted in his own country. Incredibly good looking, graduated Masters in top 5% of school, makes good money, loving personality, good father. He went to China in 2009 to get international experience to boost his employment opportunities. Biggest mistake ever! Chinese woman was sweet in beginning. Wooed him. SHE found and pursued HIM. Found out later she had a history of dating only foreigners. It's obvious she had a plan. Second day after landing in United States, they went shopping for the $4000 Chanel hand bag. Now they live on HIS money. She has thousands in Chinese bank that only she has control over. The money never comes to the US. He has worked as many as three jobs at a time to support her new life, a life she constantly snaps pictures of and sends back home. I sponsored her to come to the United States at my son's request as at the time he didn't have a job. Now he is working only to be able to sponsor her family to come over. It is her demand. If anything does not suit her, the first thing out of her mouth is, "I want a divorce". He cow toes to that threat because he loves his little daughter so and wants her raised with good standards in the United States. They lived with me for two years. I witnessed her having NOTHING to do with him when something went wrong, wouldn't talk, would stay shut in her room, playing on QQ. He would try to engage her to get out of the house and do something fun. She wouldn't. He never even knew his "error" with her. I have seen him sit on my front porch and sob over the total lack of love. Any of you men out there that are "taken in" by the Asian beauty, and the ability they have to hook you by their sweet, subservient manner, please know they are incredibly vicious and cunning. You are a smuck if you fall for it. My son is trapped, as am I, because we are her joint sponsors to the US. If a divorce happens, WE, my son and I are responsible for her living. READ the sponsorship contract. I have contacted an attorney and the only way out is if I die! These Chinese women KNOW what they are doing! I have seen incredible apathy towards her own child even. They became pregnant immediately and I often wonder if that was also her cunning way of trapping my son. The little girl is precious but she is NOT cared for by her mother! The only care the child gets is when Dad is home. I've seen the child wear ONE diaper all day and the same outfit, day and night for five days in a row. Only Dad will finally bathe her, play with her, read to her, love her. The mother is non-existent. I, for one, cannot even understand the complete apathy towards a child. Chinese women have a way of shutting down where there is NOTHING! My son has become a shell of a man. |
| Jul 1, 2016 08:42 | #128 |
| GUEST62724 | Why won't a chinese girl eat anything after a man if she is friends and say that her mouth is for her husband when she gets one she won't drink or taste anything off the same spoon or straws also she won't speak English around me after I told her I thought that it was silly to do this when I see her drink after many girls and taste all thier foods off the spoons ask help me with this |
| Jul 4, 2016 21:19 | #129 |
| GUEST07243 | I'll present my opinion, which will upset some. Chinese women have low social value globally. The western world will view you as inept and undesirable if you marry a Chinese woman. You're basically a loser amongst your peers. In other words, instead of investing in yourself to grow so that you can obtain a nice new car, you've decided to buy a old used car. But you lie to yourself saying, a car is a car, it's not so bad. |
| Jul 25, 2016 16:16 | #130 |
| GUESTBRADLEY |  |
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