| How to deal with criticism of Father in Law and Wife's Uncle? | |
|---|---|
| Jan 25, 2014 08:30 |   |
 | So I am an American that got married to a Chinese wife last year in Shanghai. This is our first Chinese New Year together. I speak Mandarin fluently, not perfect, but I understand most general conversations easily. Even though I have a PhD, because my bank account is less than stellar(stock market hit a few years ago), and because I do not have a car or a house here in China, (I have property overseas) and even though I have a great job here in China(Finance), I am mocked by her uncle and father as being a "poor" American, etc. The father has refused to have us over to in laws house for over 2 months now because he listened to his brother, my wife's uncle. In fact, her uncle passed the word to my wife that if she divorced me he would buy her a house. That's how demeaning and rude this guy is. My father -in-law just follows orders and walks lock step to whatever he says. No one in my wife's family has any college education. Uncle's daughter went to college I believe. And another son did not. My wife's mother has been great, and my wife's brother and sister have all defended me before such lunacy. Now father wants me there during Chinese New Year, including the uncle who criticized me, to be at my father in law's house for CNY. Are you kidding me? I need help from you guys as to what I should do. Next week I am going to buy the stuff you usually buy for Chinese New Year for the family. No problem with that. Lending 2 wan to the mother the other day, no problem. I don't mind Chinese culture. Everything has been great. Her family has been meddlesome and while most support me, the father and uncle have continually sought to humiliate me. And yes I know why. But how can I show them that I do not appreciate their words without angrily popping off to them over the dinner table and losing their face? I have no idea how I should respond. Today I angrily told my wife we are not going to anyone's house for their dinner. I didn't mean it, but short of that, I do not want to cause a scene with them. And I refuse to just take their garbage. How do I maintain my pride in myself and my family, while letting them know that I do not appreciate their criticism and constant non-stop demeaning of me before the family? Note father has not spoken to her daughter for over 2 months either. All communication is done via the mother now. |
Last edited by SEABISCUIT: Jan 25, 2014 08:41 | |
| Jan 25, 2014 19:37 | #1 |
| GUEST0695 | But how can I show them that I do not appreciate their words without angrily popping off to them over the dinner table and losing their face? You can chat with your wife's father and ask him how he married your wife's mother. I guess that he didn't have car and apartment when he married your wife's mother. If he said so, just give him a hug and say "Dad, you were really lucky to have my mother-in-law as your wife. She is really nice. She didn't mind that you were poor and got married with you. And you two really have a daughter. She doesn't mind I don't have a car and an apartment in PRC. Definitely, I am grateful and lucky to have her as my life. Believe me! I will do my best to cherish her and fight for a better life for us." Of course, don't forget to propose toasts to your father-in-law. Don't start the conversation above at the beginning. Just chat with him when he drank some Chinese liquor. |
| Jan 26, 2014 06:55 | #2 |
| Wow what a great idea! I thank you! Any other suggestions? I am all ears.  |
Last edited by SEABISCUIT: Jan 26, 2014 06:57 |
| Jan 28, 2014 04:07 | #3 |
| Talk to him privately without the uncle around. Ask him what you need to do to prove your love and worthiness to him. Tell him that you value his thoughts on the matter. This will give not only you brownie points but also give him face. Basically, inflate his ego whilst at the same time telling him your plans. This will make him feel like an insider and he will then have a more vested interest in you succeeding. |
| Feb 1, 2014 07:30 | #4 |
| Turns out that its both Uncle and Father in Law in this. I think Father in law is dying. He did not look good at our dinner. And ruined it by again mentioning that I should have a house in China and that even though I have not been married one year as yet, he does not believe anything I tell him with respect to my efforts to move forward with this goal. Spoke loud to me to point where my Chinese wife started screaming at him and we both left, then her sister and brother left to talk with us and console her. After all, Father is against her as well. Sad to see this. At this point I am just following directions. I have told her we should just stay away. Father has some serious kidney/liver problem. He is turning yellow. He wants the house now because he will not be around soon, perhaps. This is my logic. I can easily return to America and step into a six figure job. When I told father in law that he said he didn't care. He said I should go and don't come back. Uncle has calmed down, but is quietly cheering for the father. HAHA. This guy is a piece of work. |
| Feb 1, 2014 11:51 | #5 |
| GUEST18236 | its very normal to see those kind of behaviors from the in laws , however what matter most is you and your wife understand each other,and both of you have a proper goal for the future, people around including your father in law and relatives of your spouse always do the criticism, and urge the foreign spouse of their children specially if your a man , you need to provide a house, car , etc... bla bla As i married also to the chinese and thanks god i don't understand what my father in law is saying about lol, as he speaks his own dialect,whatever he says, how long his speech is me and my spouse we just laugh and ignore him. But at the end of the day,as i don't speak their own dialect and he can't speak mandarin then i let my spouse to let him understand, i guess it is also depend to your spouse to talk with her own father and let them understand it in accordance,even they will not understand it but at least both of you tried to explain and your wife talk to them patiently if still they don't want to listen then be it . Important thing is you both understand each other, both work hard to make your life better. Try to learn sometimes to ignore and just smile, but take that within yourself as a challenge and work hard, day by day, step by step fulfill that.Anyways goodluck |
Post a Reply to: How to deal with criticism of Father in Law and Wife's Uncle?
Copyright © 1998-2024 All rights reserved.