| Bride Price | |
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| Oct 21, 2011 13:03 |   |
| guest39611 | I live in Canada and have been involved in a long-distance relationship with a Chinese woman for about 7 months. I have also travelled to China during this time to meet with her. My girlfriend's family lives in a very small farming village, although she herself moved to Shenzhen for work several years ago. Recently, we have begun talking about marriage and she raised the issue of the bride price. I wasn't too surprised because I have heard that this tradition is still common, especially amongst rural families. But what shocked me was the amount her family requested. And I mean really SHOCKED!! Her father has said the bride price would be $200,000 Canadian dollars. This equals more than 1.26 million RMB! And of course, in addition to this, I'm expected to purchase a house before the marriage (I currently rent a condo, so presumably that's not sufficient). I don't think my girlfriend is a scammer. She's just very naive and accepts everything her parents and elders say without question. But her parents on the other hand, seem to be making a greedy cash-grab. My girlfriend explained that the main reason for the bride price is because, as the eldest daughter, she is responsible for caring for her parents. And if I take her to another country, she won't be there to help them during any crisis or illness that may occur. So the bride price is supposed to provide her family with the financial means to get through difficult times without the presence of their daughter. Okay, I can appreciate all this. But $200,000??? What kind of crisis are they preparing for? An asteroid hitting their farm?? To me, this figure just seems obscene. And it would also effectively end our relationship because I don't have the means to pay it, and even if I did, I still wouldn't pay it because I consider this demand to be ridiculous. Can anyone here tell me how much a typical bride price is? And am I correct in thinking that my girlfriend's parents' request is absurd? |
| Oct 21, 2011 20:55 | #1 |
| GUEST3356 | "Her father has said the bride price would be $200,000 Canadian dollars. This equals more than 1.26 million RMB!" Wow! Her daughter is very expensive. Does her father treat her like a commodity? Have you talked about the bride price (200000 Canadian dollars) to your girlfriend? What's her opinion? If she agrees, I suggest you leave her as soon as possible. Her parents want to find a millionaire or billionaire to be her husband. You are not the one they want. |
| Oct 23, 2011 06:53 | #2 |
| GUEST11214 | Traditionally the son is responsible for his parents retirement, but since most families now have only one child, that could well be a daughter. When the daughter marries, her husband will usually be expected to take care of his parents. If her parents have little money and no pension they have a point. They might not own their own home and medical treatment can be very expensive. This is why many parents live with their offspring. Westerners are presumed to be rich so that invariably increases the bride price. The issue can only be resolved by your gf and negotiation. Unfortunately the word "love" in China does not always have the same meaning as understood by westerners. Love to a Chinese woman can mean a prospective home and a good income. As the male:female ratio continues to shift in favour of boys (due to selective abortion), girls will become a valuable commodity, and this situation will increase the pressure on men to be able to provide his bride with the living standard she demands. |
| Oct 23, 2011 20:56 | #3 |
| GUESTLINLIN | As I know, the bride price in Shaanxi Province of China is around rmb30,000 and the bride's parents will keep it. In my hometown, it's 100,000. But the bride's parents will buy furniture, domestic appliance, gold decorations for their daughter with the money and they will then keep 10,000-20,000 for the cost of the wedding ceremony. For the rest of it, they will give it back to their duaghter as dowry. I think the parents' of your GF must think you are very rich. Many people from rural villages think all foreigners are rich. |
| Oct 24, 2011 02:13 | #4 |
 | I'm Chinese, I hope I can explain and help you some. First, "bride price" depends on which places the bride is from. For example, I'm living in Zhejiang province (which is referred to be richer), the common price over here will be from "3000 to 100,000 RMB" (I didn't write it wrong, that is Three Thousand, and that is RMB.) But usually, like 50,000~60,000 RMB is fair. I hope this makes sense for you. 1.26 million RMB is ridiculous, I don't want to say something bad about your GF's family, but it seems that they just want to get a lot of money from you, they don't think for you at all. I understand what parents think, but I personally don't like "bride price". In your case, it seems her family only think for themselves. I'm confused. I don't understand why her family wants so much, I don't believe their "reasons" at all. I hope you can talk more with your GF and explain what you think. If she really loves who you are, she would try her best to convince her family. And remember to be sincere with her family. What parents most care about is if you can take care of their daughter. Maybe her parents are just trying to "test" if you love her and her family. I know you western guys hated to be tested, (my BF is the same). And maybe your GF never told you these things about Chinese culture, but this is the time you to learn more. I think True love is the key to a relationship. Don't worry too much, calm down and talk nicely to her and her family. Try to figure what they really want from you? Good luck! If you want to know more about Chinese culture, please feel free to ask more. I will come back to read your post soon. Hopefully you guys can make it through! |
| Oct 24, 2011 15:16 | #5 |
| GUESTGUEST39611 | Thanks to everyone here for their insights. I really appreciate it. But unfortunately, I don't think my relationship can be saved. I spoke to my girlfriend and she insisted there can be no compromise on the bride price. This worries me because I know that a successful marriage requires a willingness to compromise. So her stubborness does not bode well for the future. The 1.26 million RMB bride price is just one item in what seems to be a long list of demands. I must also own a house, and she wants to stop working when we have children, she wants to travel home at least once a year, provide support to her younger brother and sister, only eat Chinese food, so on. I realize this is all about her demands. There was a lot of warmth between us when we first met online. But I have not felt that warmth since we met in person. Now it just feels like two companies negotiating a business contract. But I think love is not about giving a list of demands. Of course, there has to be agreement about things like money, children, careers, lifestyle and future plans. But there must also be warmth, affection and emotion. Marriage is not just a business deal. I think she's getting bad advice from her family and friends. Their advice will make it hard for her to find a husband. No man is going to give his entire life savings as a bride price. So if she demands $200,000 (Canadian), then only a man who has much more than this would be willing to pay. And in addition to that, he must own a house. In effect, she is limiting herself to millionaires. Maybe she doesn't realize that millionaires tend to be status conscious and will usually prefer to find a woman from a wealthy family. They are unlikely to choose the daughter of a poor farming family (I don't intend that to sound mean. I'm just trying to be realistic). My girlfriend is a woman of simple, old-fashioned tastes and values. She doesn't wear make-up or jewellery. She doesn't care about the latest fashions or going shopping or out on the town (in fact, she doesn't even go out after 9:00 pm). I appreciate her simple, wholesome lifestyle and values. But I can't imagine her fitting in with the millionaire elite of Shenzhen, Hong Kong or abroad. So I think her family is putting her in a situation where she is limiting herself to dating only the very rich, but she is unlikely to be able to capture their interest. I fear their advice will cause her years of loneliness. I may not be super-rich, but I am confident in the kind of person I am and the kind of husband I can be in the future. I have a professional career with a good salary, job security and a great pension. I also have a good down payment saved for a home. But more importantly I'm always kind and loving in a relationship. I believe (hope) there are many women in the world who would appreciate what I have to offer. So if this is not enough for my current girlfriend, then I think she needs to look elsewhere for a husband. |
| Oct 25, 2011 04:14 | #6 |
| I spoke to my girlfriend and she insisted there can be no compromise on the bride price. This worries me because I know that a successful marriage requires a willingness to compromise. So her stubborness does not bode well for the future. I am sorry to hear this. Just tell her you can't take out 200000 Canadian dollars. Let her decide whether to be with you or not. |
| Oct 25, 2011 19:12 | #7 |
| GUEST11830 | Yeah I think just say you can't afford to pay 200k but what you can afford. Explain you are a average worker in Canada.You will look after their daughter well, with house etc.. I don't want sound unkind but your comments sound cheap, I do get the impression any price would be too much money. Reading the previous comments suggest this money goes back to the bride, the parents don't keep them-self. Why do you need to go to China for a bride anyway, are there no woman in Canada? I heard because of the preference for boy babies in China. China going or already is having a problem with a lack of girls, I suspect the cost will only get worst once the demographics kick in ($$$). |
| Oct 25, 2011 21:30 | #8 |
| GUEST358905 | Reading the previous comments suggest this money goes back to the bride, the parents don't keep them-self. I don't think that the parents will give all 1.26 million rmb back to their daughter as dowery. To me, the parents just want to blackmail him. |
| Oct 25, 2011 23:06 | #9 |
| GUEST39611, I don't want to disappoint you. I just feel that she is not into you. Her family and her are into your money. Unfortunately, they are wrong. You are not a rich guy. You can not keep her beside you. Why not waste your time? Let her go and you will find a girl who is really into you. |
| Oct 26, 2011 16:07 | #10 |
| GUEST39611 | I don't know if my "Guest #" will remain the same with each new message, so just to be clear, this is me, the original poster. Thanks again for everyone's feedback. I would like to offer my responses to some of the questions and comments raised. GUEST11830: I am in no way cheap. I would be quite willing to honour her traditions by paying a bride price that is in line with what others have indicated is normal (for example $10-20,000 US). But her parents say that the absolute minimum they can accept is $180,000 Canadian or US dollars. And their reasoning is so they can keep "face". I think this is just greedy and the amount is completely ridiculous. You are correct that a large portion of the money is usually returned to the bride. But I don't think that is the case in my situation. I think her parents intend to keep almost all of it. They would just give a few gifts, but 99% of the money would be kept by them. Why do I need to go to China for a bride? I don't. She and I happened to meet on eHarmony and got along incredibly well. The internet is making it more and more common for people from across the world to meet and create friendships and relationships. I would not intentionally seek out a long-distance relationship, but if I find myself in such a situation, then I believe borders should not be an obstacle to love. To "Avatar": I appreciate your observations. My sense is that my girlfriend is into me, but that she is also absolutely controlled by her parents. I can see how torn she is between what her heart wants and what her family demands. Anyhow, I don't think I would be happy marrying into such a family. I completely agree with you that it's time to cut my losses and move on. |
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