| married guy dates a Chinese girl | |
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| Feb 7, 2009 18:29 |   |
 | First, I am a Yank, travel alot on business. Been married for 15 years. Have kids. Never had a desire, interest for an affair. Not that everything is perfect with my spouse, but she is a good wife and I have no complaint with her. A few months ago my business took me down to St Lucia. After work, I am usually on my own. I don't play around with the local girls or go to the strip clubs. After work I usually just work on the computer, read a book. My thing is go in, get the job done, fly home. If my travel takes me there on a weekend, and there is a church, I will actually go to church. Not particularly religous, but you are always welcome in a strange land at church. Sometimes, I get a cab and do some sightseeing. This trip a few months ago was really different. After work I went to a restaurant to get something to eat. I am by myself, and the restaurant manager turns out to be a real attractive lady, I guess maybe 15 years my junior, from mainland China. Initially, we just have some very casual conversation, but then I am hit between the eyes with feelings I have not had since high school. This young lady is articulate, sharp, well educated, and a casual conversation turns deep and I find myself to my utter amazement looking deep into the eyes and soul of someone who at the very least was a kindred spirit, if not a soul-mate. A little time has gone by. I have gone back on business since, seen her a few more times, we have been exchanging (secretly) emails and phone calls. She knows I am married. You are not going to believe this, but I have not had sex with her yet. I am too confused about the situation to let that happen just yet. Right now she is a great friend, but could become more. I don't know where this is going to go. Everything about it is not right according to Hoyle. . I am married, too old for her, she lives near 1000 miles away. I am west, she is east. Yet, that spark is there. OK, here is what I want to ask from this forum. She is Chinese. You all are Chinese. Tell me why from a cultural point of view why she might be doing this, and tell me if I should let it go now. Thanks. |
| Feb 7, 2009 21:08 | #1 |
| Dear Ampilot Not all of us are Chinese. Whatever her reasons are, don't start something you can't handle that you may regret later. Just remain a great friend. Nothing more. Wan |
| Feb 7, 2009 21:24 | #2 |
| Ampilot, I’m not Chinese either.. It will end in tears before bed time. The next time you go to church, ask Him the question. I know what the answer will be and I think you do too. And you have children. They need a Father. Dodger. |
| Feb 8, 2009 08:36 | #3 |
| I cannot say much except that Dodger presented you with an answer that perhaps many are not able to understand. Man on his animal state is not able to understand the fundamental frame of loyalty and love. Human lust and pride are extremely damaging and destructive. I go along with Wanhu's thinking (((don't start something you can't handle that you may regret later))) Perhaps you can develop a lasting friendship out of this; “if she is genuine, that is” |
| Feb 8, 2009 09:46 | #4 |
| Good advice all around. I probably ought to let it go, but, you know, that's not easy either. Its very rare in this life when you meet someone and you really, really connect in a deep, profound way. Alot of people never experience that. And I wonder if save for this, if I am not one of those people too. My spouse, God bless her, is good, but we don't have this kind of connection with the soul. I can see letting this Chinese girl go and 30 years from now when I am lyin' on my death bed in the hospital all hooked up to tubes, I will be wondering if I passed up on something I should not have. On the other hand - if this turns really serious, I can also see myself in that same hospital bed wondering what it is I had done to my family.. So I am thinking maybe I can chart the "be a good friend" course. If she was American or British or Canadian, I think I would know how to assess if that's possible. But Chinese, whoa, yes its the same game but not as we know the game. I have zero experience in extramarital affairs with women of my own culture, but I kinda think if I did, I could tell pretty quick if the lady was the kind of person to want things she could not have and the affair was headed for a ball of flame on the tarmac, or if she was just looking for someone with whom no commitment was possible and that suited her just fine, or what. NOw with this, how do the influences do parents, social aspirations, friends, the whole Confucian rice culture thing have on a Chinese girl who dates a foreign married man? Is the idea of just being friends even possible, or will relentless cultural forces drive her to seek a long term commitment with me? Hmmm, the more I think about it... |
| Feb 8, 2009 18:38 | #5 |
| AMPILOT, I think you have the answer already. You can self- direct as PILOT of your family. Don't ask for troubles for yourself. Remember: A successful/ happy person is always backed up a happy family but it doesn't not exclude you have friendship with male or female. |
| Feb 8, 2009 20:24 | #6 |
| GUEST75103 | Hey, I'm chinese. If you ask me for suggestion, i would say trust your own feeling, if you think you really care about this feeling, and it comes to you, then just let it go as naturely. It's very difficult to control emotion and love. Whatever happened between you and this lady , you choose to do , then dont' regret for it. Plus , it seems you are a reliable man for your family, will you be okey to lie to your wife all the time when it happened? Will you feel guity when it really happened? Personally , i can see the point fromyou, you will feel guity if you really did. So think over before you do. Good luck! |
| Feb 9, 2009 09:45 | #7 |
| Thanks also to Marrie and "guest75103", and for all the others, you all have a good forum here with very polite and well intentioned people. I tell you this is the absolute last thing in the world I ever expected to happen to me. Some of you older folks, both western and eastern, can appreciate that a person's life goes through stages, with childhood, teenage years and schooling. Later comes your professional life ( whether you are a professional in medicine or a professional working on a construction site or in a kitchen, honest labor is always professional). Same thing with love, dating, marriage, raising a family, have your teenage kids drive you crazy, these are all natural, progressive stages. Mostly though you get the idea that these stages are like graduation from school, you graduate from dating school, now you graduate marriage school, and then comes being a parent school. Things go forward, they don't go back. I look at old photos of myself as a kid, teenager, early professional years, and I think, I can't go back, that young person in the photo is gone, replaced now by this heavier, gray haired man with a face lined with years of bearing responsibility. In particular, the dating years are over, I am wiser, more mature, certainly more experienced, and if nothing else, way too busy to have time for anything else. Or so I thought. Maybe this is a stage too that I did not know about it, middle aged guy loses his brains for a while. I am reading some of the other posts, young would-be-lovers anxious if their would-be-lover will call them, email them, what are their intentions, scrutinizing every detail about them or words they said or action taken for some clue as to how that person feels about the other person. And here I am feeling all of that, like a kid in high school all over again. There are times I can't think straight, have a hard time concentrating on work. The feelings of new affection are wonderful, exactly the way I remember them - but so too are the anxieties, the longing, the uncertainty. This part I remember too and it was not so good, its a little painful. The older person knows that the solution to making the pain in the head go away is to stop hitting it with a hammer. Yet, that wisdom is one I have great difficulty acting on today. The are only three things different now then when I was in high school. First there is a sense of fear - I could lose all that I have today by engaging this. The second is the secrecy, the secret email account, the secret calling card, the secret mail box, the secret voice mail phone box, the essential business trips that are not exactly very essential.. Last, I am alone. When I was in high school feeling the same wonder, the same pain, I had friends and my wonderful brothers and sisters I could talk to. Now, I dare not say a word and their words of wisdom I cannot avail myself of. This middle aged fool is bursting inside, thanks all for listening. |
| Feb 9, 2009 11:56 | #8 |
| I think you have just proved that no man(or woman) is an "island" irregardless of race , creed or color. |
| Feb 9, 2009 19:40 | #9 |
| Hey, Aimpilot, I'm the guest 75103, I 'm young chinese girl who is struggling for a better life in modern society. After read your posts, I feel bitter for you and reality. I totally understand how you feel about her and your family,my best friend is experiencing the same as you do. He is married, she is young, pretty and smart, They had special feeling when they worked together, so they went out for date, she knows it's immoral, but she did.Because she loved him, the same from him. Strong feeling can't stop between them, after one year later, they have to face the reality, she wants to get an answer from him, but he is scared to hurt his wife, because she is a good wife and mother. So just waitting ,waitting, until she evently burst out. -----Why i tell you this is having secretly special feeling for another woman is beautiful ,but once you make it into reality, it might become ugly,For a man or woman , they met differnt person in their life, but some just passed like a guest, the one you have a strong feeling made everything so special, made you feel young again, why not keep that special feeling inside your heart, it could more special? It's from my personal opnion, whatever you do, i wish you best. |
| Feb 9, 2009 20:18 | #10 |
| Agree with Charity. Gary, actually lucky the people who are able to find 'heart/sou harbor' when facing daily ugly reality. Cristian church, buddhalist temple or islamic mosque do gave the temperary enviroment helping catch such harbor feelings. |
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